the pressure is on

I'd be a liar if I say that I'm not a bit nervous about taking the boards. Still months away, I hate to admit it, but I'm already feeling the first pangs of panic. Never have I felt this way before, not even when I took the UPCAT (which to date, is still the single most important test I ever took in my entire life), or any of the final exams in med school. Maybe it's because of the pressure I'm giving myself...but hey, I can't deny it, all my years of studying boil down to this one exam.

Failure is simply not an option. Sure, it doesn't end if I don't pass it on my first take; I still have other chances to take it. But maybe failure to pass it on August will end it for me. I don't know how I'll bring myself back to the land of the living if I learn that I flunked the boards. Knowing myself, I never really dealt with failures very well. In fact, I don't know how to deal with failures, period.

Everyday, I find myself spending more time trying to psych myself to open the books and spend some quality studying time. But when the body and mind are both tired, I use these as excuses to allow myself a couple of hours for some rest and recreation. Then, before I know it, my free time is gone and I have to postpone studying again because I have to report back to the hospital. Time is fast becoming my enemy.

I'm calling all the saints as early as now, promising to be good (which is so damn hard and almost impossible!) just so I'll be in their good graces. I'm nearly close to start to resort to wearing red more often, because they say red attracts the positive energies. I've even started a mantra, so that in time, I'll inculcate it in my mind and even start to really believe it. These all sound crazy, but I bet I'll be doing even crazier things as August looms closer.

I used to perform better under pressure, and when I'm in a state of panic. But never before have I felt this much pressure. I don't know my limits, but I'm hoping that, like before, I'll thrive in this pressure and overcome my underachiever self and attitude and be able to do what it takes to be successful. I just hope this monster won't break me. I don't want to wake up one morning fed up of all this and just walk away from it all, convinced that I won't make it and won't even try to make it.

But I'm more scared of trying, of giving it my all, and still failing.

written on 29 Jan 2006