confessions

Father, forgive me for I have sinned. My last confession was...I can't remember when my last confession was.

Bad, very bad. I used to go to confession regularly, but that was because I spent half of my life in a Catholic school. We were made to go to confessions regularly, and there were even times when I have no sin to confess because there hadn't been enough time in between confessions for me to commit a sin. But that was another lifetime.

Why haven't I gone to confession for so long? This will sound arrogant, but it's the honest answer to the question. I haven't gone to confession because I do not feel sorry for the sins I have committed. I don't have that genuine contrition that would make the sacrament work. So, I have postponed my date with the priest until I feel this true sorrow for my sins.

Aren't I scared of dying while I'm not in a state of grace? I should be, but honestly, I'm not, really. Maybe it's because I'm in this age, the age when a person feels that he/she is an immortal. I know there are a thousand and one ways a person my age could die, but at the moment, I don't feel threatened at all. I do feel that I am immortal. Hence, I'm not so scared of dying right now, because the odds are a little better at the living end.

Another reason I'm not scared is because I truly believe that God is good. I believe He throws punishment for our sins during our stay on Earth so that we may learn from our sins while we still have life. I believe that is how good He is.

So, for now, I'll stay away from the confessional. I don't want to receive the sacrament of reconciliation with fake sincerity and contrition, because I think that's just as bad as not going. I'll confess when I truly feel the sorrow and regret for my wrongs. Meantime, I'll try to avoid sin, because the crappy luck I've been having is due to my past sins, I think. Or maybe it's just my guilt talking to me.

God, I hope You're not reading this.

written on 15 April 2006