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It’s getting nearer, closing up on me much quicker than I had anticipated. It seems like it was only yesterday when I felt that I have more than adequate time to prepare for it. I was apprehensive, but quite confident I’ll be able to pull this through. Now, all I can say is that I am apprehensive.
The boards this year will be on the first 2 weeks of August. The date is fast approaching, and June seemed to have flown so fast. Did somebody just pressed the fast-forward button? How come it’s already the last week of June? Now I can’t seem to stop counting the days, hours and minutes I have left to study. The pressure is getting to me, something I usually welcome. In the past, I’ve been pushed to exert much more effort and accomplish more in less time when I feel the shove of pressure. I’m banking on this again, as I shift into a higher gear to propel on at a greater speed.
I was caught unawares. Just as unpredictable as it is with engines and electronics, when the misfortune of something that has been working splendidly suddenly sputters and threatens to conk out. I was aiming for a higher gear, but I seemed to have latched on a lower one. While I was all set to go faster, something gave and forced me to slow down. And I can’t figure out for the life of me what happened. All I know is that something in me refused the shift and now I’m lumbering on like a car with mechanical problems. The driver in me wants to pick up the pace, but I’m getting held back. By what, I don’t know. I don’t have the vaguest clue and it’s scaring me.
In the past several days, I have been unable to make myself sit still and concentrate. My brain is like a virus-infected computer, with entered data mysteriously disappearing without a trace. I’m feeling healthy, alert and driven; the hardware is functioning just fine. Or is it?
A burn out? Probably. Or maybe this is just me cracking under pressure.
Father, forgive me for I have sinned. My last confession was...I can't remember when my last confession was.
Bad, very bad. I used to go to confession regularly, but that was because I spent half of my life in a Catholic school. We were made to go to confessions regularly, and there were even times when I have no sin to confess because there hadn't been enough time in between confessions for me to commit a sin. But that was another lifetime.
Why haven't I gone to confession for so long? This will sound arrogant, but it's the honest answer to the question. I haven't gone to confession because I do not feel sorry for the sins I have committed. I don't have that genuine contrition that would make the sacrament work. So, I have postponed my date with the priest until I feel this true sorrow for my sins.
Aren't I scared of dying while I'm not in a state of grace? I should be, but honestly, I'm not, really. Maybe it's because I'm in this age, the age when a person feels that he/she is an immortal. I know there are a thousand and one ways a person my age could die, but at the moment, I don't feel threatened at all. I do feel that I am immortal. Hence, I'm not so scared of dying right now, because the odds are a little better at the living end.
Another reason I'm not scared is because I truly believe that God is good. I believe He throws punishment for our sins during our stay on Earth so that we may learn from our sins while we still have life. I believe that is how good He is.
So, for now, I'll stay away from the confessional. I don't want to receive the sacrament of reconciliation with fake sincerity and contrition, because I think that's just as bad as not going. I'll confess when I truly feel the sorrow and regret for my wrongs. Meantime, I'll try to avoid sin, because the crappy luck I've been having is due to my past sins, I think. Or maybe it's just my guilt talking to me.
God, I hope You're not reading this.written on 15 April 2006
"If you have a heart that cares for your native land, you will find a way to make a difference even if you are far away. And, perhaps, on the other hand, if you do not have a heart, you will not make a difference even if you stay." -- Fr. Bienvenido Nebres, SJ
Long ago, I was determined to be a doctor for the Filipino, in the Philippines. I felt that I had to give back something to society as a doctor, because my pre-med and med proper tuitions were both subsidized by Filipino tax payers. My opinion regarding migrating doctors was not very good, to put it bluntly. I told myself I won't join this exodus.
But, oh, how things have changed. Ask me now what I'll do after getting my license and without missing a beat, I'll tell you that I'm going abroad for residency. A change of plan, but not a change of heart. At least, that's what I tell myself. I'm convinced at this point that I've been bitten by the Practicality Bug, and that's why I'm more inclined than ever to leave the minute I can. I don't think the situation's changed much; the hard life in the Philippines is not any harder than it was years ago. What has changed is how I see things.
While I still feel that need to give something back to the people who paid for my tuition, I now feel an even greater need to give back something for the people who were directly affected by my choice to go into medicine. Namely my family. My parents still could not afford to retire, because although my tuition is cheap, I still have no salary, not even an allowance, and someone had to work so that there'll be money for food, the bills and the expenses of making it through med school. They've given up so much for my dream, and to give them a comfortable life is the least I can do for all their sacrifices for me. With the current health care situation here, how could I afford this? A doctor's salary in the Philippines is hardly enough to cover his living expenses. In addition, the hours I have to spend at the hospital will leave me no time to spend with my family. They won't be seeing much of me (at least much of me awake), so it's almost as if I am not really here anyway. So I figured the best way to help them and myself is to try my luck in a foreign land.
Selfish, you might say. And maybe I'll agree with you. But I can't ignore how selfless these people have been for me. It's high time they get a break, a break long overdue. I'm determined to give this to them, before they become too old to enjoy life. I don't think I'll be able to live with myself serving people I do not know before I take care of those that really matter to me.
In the meantime, I hope my joining the ranks of doctors abandoning the Philippines would serve as a wake up call to the government and move them to action, to make due improvements in the worsening health care situation in the country. I believe in Fr. Nebres' words, not only because it makes my decision easier, but also because of the obvious truth behind it.
Someday I'll come back, this is for sure. Maybe I'll come back fulfilled, or maybe I'll come back feeling ashamed with what I chose to do. But I will come back.
written on 27 Mar 2006
I'd be a liar if I say that I'm not a bit nervous about taking the boards. Still months away, I hate to admit it, but I'm already feeling the first pangs of panic. Never have I felt this way before, not even when I took the UPCAT (which to date, is still the single most important test I ever took in my entire life), or any of the final exams in med school. Maybe it's because of the pressure I'm giving myself...but hey, I can't deny it, all my years of studying boil down to this one exam.
Failure is simply not an option. Sure, it doesn't end if I don't pass it on my first take; I still have other chances to take it. But maybe failure to pass it on August will end it for me. I don't know how I'll bring myself back to the land of the living if I learn that I flunked the boards. Knowing myself, I never really dealt with failures very well. In fact, I don't know how to deal with failures, period.
Everyday, I find myself spending more time trying to psych myself to open the books and spend some quality studying time. But when the body and mind are both tired, I use these as excuses to allow myself a couple of hours for some rest and recreation. Then, before I know it, my free time is gone and I have to postpone studying again because I have to report back to the hospital. Time is fast becoming my enemy.
I'm calling all the saints as early as now, promising to be good (which is so damn hard and almost impossible!) just so I'll be in their good graces. I'm nearly close to start to resort to wearing red more often, because they say red attracts the positive energies. I've even started a mantra, so that in time, I'll inculcate it in my mind and even start to really believe it. These all sound crazy, but I bet I'll be doing even crazier things as August looms closer.
I used to perform better under pressure, and when I'm in a state of panic. But never before have I felt this much pressure. I don't know my limits, but I'm hoping that, like before, I'll thrive in this pressure and overcome my underachiever self and attitude and be able to do what it takes to be successful. I just hope this monster won't break me. I don't want to wake up one morning fed up of all this and just walk away from it all, convinced that I won't make it and won't even try to make it.
But I'm more scared of trying, of giving it my all, and still failing.
written on 29 Jan 2006
It’s been a long while since I decided to try to jot down my thoughts. That’s the way it is for me, usually. I love to write, but when life happens, I simply do not have the patience or sometimes time and energy to try to make a composition. It’s not as if there’s nothing important going on in my life; in fact, I think it’s quite the opposite. Life’s happening too fast for me to document it in a journal. And, as I have said, I’m one person sorely lacking patience.
So, what’s making me sit and make yet another attempt to keep this blog alive? Well, I think it all started with the Starbucks planner that I got sometime before Christmas (after drinking so many cups of coffee). I figured it wouldn’t hurt to stop every now and then to try to organize my thoughts and actually record them, and it sure would be nice to be able to read about past experiences and feelings. I had managed to keep a journal before (probably a decade ago, and even that journal was a short-lived project), and I do enjoy reading my entries. Besides, I like thinking that others enjoy reading what I am writing (hehe).
2005 has been one hell of a year for me. I moved on from clerk to intern, moved back home, earned my medical degree, and found a whole new set of friends and colleagues. My work environment has drastically changed. I’ve had good and bad experiences, which inevitably, somehow changed me. Still, I’d like to think I’m more mature now, but no more jaded.
The new year ushers in new challenges for me, and new hope as well. It terrifies me that some of these challenges will change my life in major ways, whatever their outcome may be. What is more terrifying for me is not the challenges themselves, but the fact that their outcome is decided only by one person: me. I’ve put off having to think about these things for as long as I could, but this doesn’t change the fact that sooner or later I’d have to deal with these. I’d have to make a decision, I’d have to start moving, and I’d have to come up with a plan (and go through with it) to get the results I hope for.
Well, whatever happens, whatever I do or don’t do, I hope I’d learn something from what I experience. And, as part of my plan, I think I’d be more sure of that if I were to stop more often and try to write about what I had just gone through and how I felt about it. At least that way if I don’t learn in the process, I’d still have a chance to learn in retrospect. written on 2 Jan 2006
In the aftermath of the Michelin brouhaha, I have received a lot of comments criticizing Ferrari for their stand regarding the construction of a chicane on Turn 13 of the Indianapolis Race circuit. The chicane was requested by the teams using Michelins, because the tire manufacturer declared that they cannot guarantee the safety of the drivers using their products. When I first heard of this, I thought it was simply ludicrous for the teams and Michelin to request for changes that would certainly suit them. What about Bridgestone? They weren’t having any problem during the practice and qualifying sessions. Bridgestone did its homework and managed to provide their teams with tires that could see them safely through the race. Michelin was playing dirty by requesting for adjustments that could make up for their inadequacy.
Ferrari was said to be the only team vehemently saying no to this proposal. Which I think any sane team would do. Why would you squander the advantage you’ve worked so hard for, especially if you’ve been down on your luck for pretty much half of the competition? Tough luck for those who failed to rise to the challenge of the track. It certainly isn’t right to say that the Michelin users had no choice but to pull their cars out of the race. There is no such thing as not having a choice. If the tires weren’t up for the strains the turn and the speed put on them, then the teams could’ve still raced, but in a slower pace. A choice they opted not to take. Sure, it was probably a no-win situation for them, but they were never left without choices.
Well, the French Grand Prix is the next event in the F1 calendar. The circus is back in Europe, smack right in the home track of Michelin. I have a feeling the Michelin teams would be coming back with a bang, but it still hasn’t changed the fact that they have a lot to make up for for what happened in the US. I can’t wait for the next race. written on 25 June 2005
I stayed up late last night (well, technically, it was already early this morning) to watch the Montreal Grand Prix. Michael Schumacher had a good performance during qualifying, but I didn't get my hopes up. How well a driver performs in qualifying depends on how much fuel he's carrying, and more often than not, it's the lighter cars that make it in front of the grid.
Well, Michael and Jenson did have light cars, and as a result, both had to pit early. They were relegated back to 6th and 5th places, respectively, and I thought that was how they'd end the race. However, the Montreal GP turned out to be a race of attrition. Fortunately, the scarlet cars were ignored by the F1 gremlins.
Michael didn't go on and win the race, but got the next best thing. He finished second behind Kimi Raikkonen, who amazingly seemed gremlin-free after almost 2 years of having resident gremlins in his McLaren. Rubens Barrichello's 3rd place finish was a pleasant surprise, because I thought there's no way he'd get a respectable finish after starting from the pits.
The famous wall in the Giles Villenueve race circuit was the culprit this time. Although known to have snuffed the chances of both the young guns and the seasoned veterans, in this race, it showed that experience did give the older guys the upper hand. Patience, too, played a role: JPM was black-flagged (the first in a looong time -- I can't remember the last time a driver was given the black flag) for not waiting for the end of the safety car procession to rejoin the pack.
Is Ferrari back in winning form? I'd like to say they are, but honestly, I don't think so. The car is just not fast enough. Bridgestone is said to be launching new tires in the next race, and I hope that these would give Michelins a run for their money. I'm also praying that the FIA would wake up and realize just how stupidly hazardous their rule of not allowing cars to change tires during the race. I really miss the bustle of the pit crew during the stops; it was really a treat to watch them refuel, change the tires, clean the radiators and do wing adjustments in a fraction of a minute.
Next week I'll be staying up late once again to see the US Grand Prix. I hope Lady Luck will still be smiling on Ferrari.
written on 12 June 2005
Two weeks have passed since I began my 1-year internship program. So far, so good. Although I’m not yet convinced that I have made the right choice regarding the hospital I’m currently training in, I’m not convinced that I made the wrong choice either. For one, I’m thankful that I’ve been getting sleep during the 36-hour duties, and that the consultants and residents are all very accommodating. For the first time in my medical career, I got to see what it was like to have OR techs, ECG techs, instrument nurses and med techs. Before, in the God-forsaken hospital where I had my junior internship, we had to do these things. Which was unfair, because we are training to be doctors, not nurses or aides.
Anyway, I’m rather glad that I’m in different setting now. Although I miss my friends, there’s no way I’m giving up this post for a post in their hospital. I’m done with government hospitals overflowing with patients. You could argue that interns in those hospitals do get to do more procedures and more practice, but what is sorely lacking is the finer points of health care. From what I observe, having less patients allow doctors to look at each patient more closely and not to be hasty in administering the treatment plan. Also, in hospitals with better funding and equipment, there are more diagnostic tools at your disposal, and more treatment options. You could actually use the drug of choice and not have to make do with using this or that drug because it’s the only one available. Even if I’m still just a green horn in my present hospital, many doors are already opening for me and I’m getting to see and experience new things.
Will my opinion change after several weeks? Maybe. But at least I got to see and experience first-hand how it is in a different setting. Maybe I’ll regret choosing a relatively benign hospital over a toxic one, but at least I’ll have experience to back up that regret and not just advice from other people. Maybe I’ll ultimately abandon my plans of going abroad for my residency and decide to go back to a toxic hospital, or maybe I’ll push through with my original plan. For now I’ll take it one day at a time and make the best of my current situation. Ultimately, I think that being a good doctor is still largely due to the kind of person that you are. You have to know your strengths and weaknesses, and use this knowledge to choose the environment that will bring out the best in you. I hope I’m already in that environment.
written on 13 May 2005
Today is the last day of my summer. I’ll be saying goodbye to having hours to waste, to afternoon naps in the summer heat and to shorts and flipflops. I don’t want it to end. I don’t care if the weather bureau says that the Philippine summer is just starting to heat up. It’s as good as over for me, because starting tomorrow, I’ll be confined once again to the fluorescent-lit halls of the hospital. The only time I’ll see the sun is on my morning commute to the hospital. I won’t be able to wake up to the sound of the wild birds chirping, not because they will have gone south but because I’ll have to get up on the hour when the birds are still sleeping.
On the other hand, I do miss the excitement of the ER. There’s nothing like the rush of adrenaline when a patient is wheeled into trauma. I just love seeing the bleeding stop with every stitch I make. Then there’s that wonderful feeling when you bid farewell to a healed patient, the joyous thanks of husbands after you tell them the news of a successful delivery by their wives and the amazement I feel with every profuse thank you after doing what is so trivial to me, but apparently something short of a miracle for the patient and his/her loved ones. There’s also the camaraderie, among colleagues and superiors. They’re the people who stay with you through the long nights, both of you keeping the other sane and awake and are always there to back you up. These are the things that make me go back.
What I’m dreading are the inevitable downsides of my profession. The deaths, for instance, no matter how many I’ve witnessed, I could not get used to. Although sometimes, you just can’t help but feel relieved when a chronically ill patient breathes his last. A great amount of guilt accompanies this relief: guilt for feeling the relief, as well as guilt for not being able to bring back to health this patient. Another downside, a rather big one for me, is the delivery of a still-born or an anencephalic, especially if these babies are in their third trimester. Then there are the people who just make it more difficult for you. These are the prima donnas of the profession, be they come in the form of a patient, a personnel or a colleague. These people just reek of bad energy and they just make a long day even longer.
Well, you really can’t have it all good or all bad. That’s just how everything is, I guess. Summers just can’t last forever.written on 30 April 2005
Oh no. For the second time this week, I've been proven wrong. First by Michael Schumacher, who finished 2nd despite starting 14th in the Imola Grand Prix. And now Constantine.
I admit, I'm not a big Constantine groupie, but I do like the guy. He's oozing with charisma and it's fun to watch him do his thing on stage. Well, maybe not last Wednesday. His rendition of the Nickelback song was just horrendous. It just wasn't right.
Still, he's been doing pretty well. So well actually that he's never been among the bottom 3. Before this week, only he and Carrie can boast of not having experienced what it was like to wait for Ryan Seacrest to quit stalling and finally blurt out who goes home. I was horrified with Constantine's number last night, but I felt that with his popularity, he'd survive this one. The experience was forgettable, but it certainly was forgivable.
Wrong. For Constantine, it took only one slip up. America cruelly refused to give the guy a second chance. Which I find so mystifying. I thought they liked Constantine. Compared to Scott, whose performances week after week makes me cringe, Constantine seemed to have been dropped like a hot potato. Was it because of his bad number? Or was there more to it? I have a horrible feeling that somehow, the voting audience got turned off by his seemingly comfortable home in New York or simply by the fact that he has Greek roots. Asia appeared to be unaffected by this, with Constantine garnering the largest chunk of Asia votes (were Asians also immune to his bad performance?). Whatever it was, America threw in the punch and knocked Constantine out.
American Idol won't be the same without this crooner. I thought he'd be one of the final 3. Well, Fate seems to have other plans for him. Good thing his band has been given a contract...this guarantees that the Nickelback song will not be the last song we'll be hearing Constantine sing (something I'd rather forget).
In the meantime, I'll continue rooting for the other long-haired guy. Now, don't anybody prove me wrong when I say that Bo Bice is the 4th American Idol.
written on 28 April 2005
I had almost given up on him, but I should have known better. True, my heart sank when I heard the news that he threw qualifying away, but this is Michael Schumacher we're talking about. 7-time Formula 1 World Champion. And behind him is the oldest team in Formula 1, with the largest fan base in all motorsport teams. So how come I ended up doubting the weltmeister?
Well, it certainly didn't help that Ferrari had probably one of the worst season starts in their history. After dominating the 2004 season, I expected them to be at their best and to pounce on their opponents early on. Surprise, surprise. It seemed to have gone the other way around. Ferrari seemed to have underestimated the other teams big time, and hence, they ended up losing big time. Who would've thought the other red team, Toyota, would be among the frontrunners after a couple of races? Certainly not me.
And so I watched as Ferrari's fortunes shifted from bad to worse. After Rubens Barrichello's 2nd place finish in Melbourne, no other podium finish followed. Instead, there were tire failures and all sorts of engine problems. The press were hard on Ferrari, almost discounting Michael from the Drivers' Championship at this early in the season.
Then came Imola. When he did well in the first qualifying, I found it really admirable that Michael doesn't seem to be cracking under all the pressure he's getting from all directions. However, he showed hints that he's still human after all when he made that mistake in the second qualifying. That sank my spirits, and I was beginning to look forward to the next race.
Apparently, Michael had other plans. He hadn't given up, not even after having to start 3 quarters away from the pole. Patiently, he made his way up, and I saw what I thought only happened in the movies. The fourteenth placer became the fourth placer. Oh wow, I thought. Not bad. Not bad at all.
Michael, however, didn't stop at that. He quickly grabbed third place, and next set his sights on Jenson Button's BAR Honda, a good 20 seconds away. In F1, that would've equated to a mountain of an obstacle. And that mountain Michael gamely climbed and overcame. It was so surreal watching him fly around the track, shaving 2 seconds off Button's lead after each lap. I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it.
Although he didn't quite pull off the miracle of winning the race, Michael ignited the dying embers of hope in every tifosi's heart. His car was obviously faster than the winning car, and Alonso and Renault were just fortunate that Imola is a circuit with almost no overtaking places. This spells H-O-P-E for the team of the prancing horse. There's no doubt about it, the last grand prix's message is unmistakable. Ferrari are back.
written on 27 April 2005
Out with the old, on with the new.
After getting my diploma yesterday, I have decided that another chapter of my life has officially ended. Yesterday's graduation was my fifth one, my longest one (lasting for 6 hours!) and the one I worked hardest for.
Yup, I worked harder for this degree more than any other thing in my entire life. So it's probably just fitting that this is my highest degree yet. I doubt if this will be the last degree I'll earn, but I know that I probably won't work this hard again for a degree, any degree.
24 hours hadn't even passed since I have been officially given the degree of doctor of medicine. However, more than enough time has been spent thinking if I really deserve this (now I know in my heart that I do), and much more time contemplating if I am ready and able to handle the power and responsibility that comes with the letters MD. Maybe I'll spend the rest of my life learning how to come to terms with this. It is now so tempting to just throw it all away and start anew in some other field.
But I just can't do that, not if I want to be honest to myself. Somehow, through all those sleepless nights and eleventh hours, it has become clear to me that this is what I was destined to be. And though it may take several more years and more tears, sweat and blood, I know I'll never be content in doing anything else other than to harness this power that I had been chasing all my life and only now has come to possess.
But then again, I'd always wanted to be a race car driver.
written on 23 April 2005
