looking back at the crossroads

I'm finding myself looking back at the crossroads that I thought I had passed almost two years ago. It's not helping me any that I'm questioning my decision back then, even though I still feel that I had made the right decision.

I've been moonlighting since passing the boards in August 2006. Back then, I was all set to pursue further medical training abroad and I figured that I would moonlight while waiting for my opportunity to leave. I had decided that I would only go into residency here if I'm still here after exhausting all means of getting a license to practice abroad.

The thought of going to residency has entered (and re-entered, several times) my mind, but after four years of med school, one year of internship and one and a half year of moonlighting, I have yet to figure out which specialization to take. My only consolation is that I now know without a doubt which specialization NOT to take.

Now I'm getting tired of moonlighting. Going to duty is becoming a chore, and I no longer find it challenging. Feels like I'm stuck in a rut. However, I'm finding it hard to let go of its plusses: getting to practice medicine, earning more than I spend and having control of how I spend my days. Basically, I'm getting to live my life the way I want it. Except for the career growth.

Will I let go of this in order to move up the career ladder? Or should I stick to my original decision and still continue working on going abroad? These questions are fast becoming my constant companions, threatening to pull me back to the crossroads. Again and again they creep into my mind, causing me to stop and rethink my decision.

Yet again and again I end up deciding to stick to my choice, to turn my back to the crossroads and head up this path I've chosen. I may stop once in a while to look back to the crossroads, but I somehow manage to make myself start moving on forward again. In my heart, I still believe I made the right choice...I just did not realize it would take this long for it to be validated.

P.S.
If you are wondering why I am so bent up in trying to get out of the Philippines, please check out exodus, the post I made shortly after deciding to leave the crossroads.