the saga continues

it was a very good year

2011-12-04T11:33:00.001+10:00

It took awhile (an awfully long while), but finally, I have made the big move. I have officially uprooted myself from my homeland, left first my childhood nest and then my first Aussie nest. I write this post from my third home this year, in the heart of Brisbane City, Queensland, Australia.

I admit I started this year praying desperately for this change. I didn't have a clue, not even the vaguest hint, at the start of this year that big changes are coming my way. All I felt as 2011 began was a great deal of apprehension for what seemed to be a pretty uncertain future for me, both professionally and personally. Now, almost 12 months later, I look back at the year 2011 and see it as one of my great adventures.

In a way it seemed fairy tale-like. I applied for the job without much hope; they weren't even looking for anything for my position. It was just gut feel: something in me drove me to ask if maybe they have something for someone like me. I wasn't very hopeful; after all this is just my first shot, and I've heard sometimes it takes several applications to finally bag a job.

Lo and behold, I got a call right away. I almost didn't take the call, because I normally just ignore calls from numbers unknown to me. And I wasn't expecting a reply right away, but a reply I did get the very next day. Thank heavens I answered that call...and the ball started rolling.

There were several hurdles still to take care of, but the most important one was getting that break. It was unbelievable that a total stranger had been willing to take a chance on me, and I was bracing myself for the event that this was indeed what it seemed to me: something that was too good to be true. BUT IT WAS TRUE.

So off I went, packed my bags and flew several thousands of miles, not knowing how long I'll be away from home. I crossed each bridge as I came to it, and managed to cross each one successfully. Finally, at the end of October, I reached my goal. I am still a long way from home, and I still have no idea how long it is before I get to go home again, but I am quite happy where I am now. I'm in a good place, and I know as long as I answer His call, all will be well.

I feel like the past year is something that only happens in books and movies. But I am a testament that it could happen in the real world. It happened in my real world after all. I don't quite know what I did to deserve this, but I am thankful, really really thankful to the Divine Presence above for this.

But perhaps I do have an inkling of what I did to deserve it. I don't know how close on target I am, but it's the only thing I can think of. Sometime in the year that passed, I remember surrendering to God. I think it was during one of those utterly confusing times, when everything's so uncertain and I was truly clueless which way to go. I remember sending out a heartfelt plea to God, because I was really at a loss to what I am going to do next. It was at that point that I decided to just let everything go, and asked God to do as He pleased with me. I let go, and let God.

And am I glad I did. I can't quite explain how I knew that what I was doing was God's will for me, but there was just something that pushed me to this direction. I guess this is what they say about answering a calling. I had been called to do this, and do it I did. I believe all my successes are due to my decision to answer the call. I didn't understand it at that time, but looking back, it makes a lot of sense now. It even seems simple.

My faith has led me to do what I had been called to do. I am just so thankful I was sensitive enough to follow the signs that led me to God's path for me. The path may seem too secular and pragmatic for most, but I don't care. If this is what my life's mission is, I'm not going to fight it. I am going to live it. And I want the world to know that I am successful because I surrendered and let God take the wheel.

Lord God, I am your instrument...thy will be done.

return to upd

2011-05-24T16:08:00.000+10:00

For the second time this month, I was transported back to the past. It's been 10 years since I graduated from college, and this spur of the moment trip to my alma mater, the University of the Philippines, sent me careening back to my years in the expansive Diliman campus.

A lot has happened in the decade that has passed. I have since then earned one more degree, started working, lived away from home (and had gone back to the nest), changed the color of my eyes and I have now taken to wearing my hair long. My friends and I kidded about not having taken lots of pictures back then...but that was the age when cameras still needed films and the most popular cellphones were Nokia 5110 -- no camera phones yet. So we took to going to the most significant parts of the campus, and took long-overdue photo ops.

We had agreed to meet up at our erstwhile home -- at the heart of the Institute of Biology, known fondly to us as IB Lobby. But as these planned things go, we ended up meeting up instead at the Casaa food court, the oasis of food and drinks for us bio majors. Outside, Cassa looks virtually the same. Inside, it was a bit different. The only remaining familiar stalls are Gloria's, Sizzler and the soda fountain. The vinyl-topped tables and plastic seats are still very much the same, though, as well as the stiffling heat and viand-aroma that envelopes the eating area. We stayed long enough to get some refreshments, then with drinks in hand, we trooped to the IB lobby.

A wave of nostalgia again hit me when we entered the now empty lobby. The familiar long tables and benches are still there, and glass-covered display cases still line the walls. The previously un-labeled specimens inside the cases are now coupled with their family, genus and species names. The guard table had been relocated to the IB steps, no longer situated beneath the wall clock in the lobby. The "house" cats were noticeably absent...had they all grown old and died without leaving a progeny? Because summer class has ended, we had the place to ourselves. I felt like a residual haunting, a ghost re-living what once was the motions in the monotony of daily life.

Soon, IB will be here no more. A new building is being constructed in the new science complex, and everything in this old structure will be relocated there. The new building and complex look promising and modern, but I hope this old one will not be bulldozed down. We had lunch at the Chocolate Kiss, somewhere we really never went to dine during our undergraduate years. It was a sumptuous meal of comfort food: bagoong rice, dinuguan, longganisa and chicken kiev. Dessert was, of course, the famous Devil's Food Cake, sans rival and blueberry cheesecake. With bellies full, we trooped to the university shopping center...to eat again. Fishballs and kwek-kwek this time.

From SC, we went to the new science complex and quickly drove around it. I couldn't help but feel envious of the students who will get to study there. It was spacious and very modern, and the different institutes of the college of science were all within walking distance of each other. It looked so modern and so foreign, but I knew it would foster a more invigorating ambience for learning.

With winds picking up and the sky turning gray, we headed to perhaps the most famous UP landmark: the Oblation. Good old Oble was still as naked as he was on the day he was born, arms stretched in unabashed freedom and chin thrust with the arrogance of a Maroon. With the clouds shielding us from the harsh afternoon sun, we had our photos with the UP icon.

As the first drops of rain fell, we retreated to our sanctuary. Outside Pavilion 4, we bumped into old professors, personalities that will forever be pillars of the institute. I doubt if they remembered me, but it was heart-warming to see their eyes light up when they realized that we were their students a decade ago. There was an unspoken joy in their aura as we recounted old college tales, and a hint of pride as they found out how well we were now doing. It was very touching how they said with the utmost sincerity that we are all part of the IB family.

It felt good to be reminded of things like this. College was certainly not all smooth-sailing for me, but seeing everything again from eyes that have aged a decade, it is definitely one of the most wonderful chapters of my life. The familiarity of everything felt oddly comforting, making me wish that as much as I want UP to move on with the times, I also want everything to stay as it is.

immortality and immeasurable wealth

2011-05-21T13:28:00.000+10:00

I'm writing this on the eve of the Rapture, an apocalyptal prediction made by an American pastor that Christ will take His followers at twilight on the 21st of May, 2011. With a little less than 7 hours to this event, I stumbled upon Doc Ligaya's call for articles for her hosting stint on The Blog Rounds. At first I thought it was pretty straightforward, but once I started thinking about it, I realized it was like a jolt that sent my imagination into a frenzy.

If I had more of both time and gold...I'm stretching this a bit to accommodate the wildest (and more interesting) yearnings. If I'm lucky and I survive the impending apocalypse, maybe this will also serve as a sort of to-do list, just in case someday I am bestowed with immeasurable wealth or immortality, or if I'm really, really lucky, both.

IMMEASURABLE WEALTH

1. TRAVEL. First thing I'd do if I had plenty of gold to spend is to pack my bags and go to as many places as I can. Of course if I had the gold for this, I'd also be buying my own private jet to shuttle me around. Maybe I won't even have to pack, since I can buy what I need and what I want wherever. I don't have a list of places I want to go to, but anything different from what I am used to is good enough for me.

2. BOOKS. I am a bibliophile, and it's a childhood dream to have my own library. I'd buy all the books I want, support the writers I adore and preserve the books I love. I love reading, not just books, but anything that catches my fancy, blogs included. Nothing makes me feel more satisfied than reading a good novel on a rainy day with my dogs at my feet and coffee on my table.

3. DOGS. Much like having my own mega-library, another childhood dream is to own acres of land for the sole purpose of giving dogs a home where they can freely be themselves. I want to rescue dogs and puppies who are living in deplorable conditions, and have them live somewhere where they are free and well-taken cared of. I would employ a vet to make sure these dogs' stay healthy. It puzzles me that I have this much passion for dogs, and not for humans (I would only rescue dogs and not humans, not even children). Maybe I was a dog in one of my past lives.

4. GADGETS. I'm a techie, and I love having gadgets. The development of these electronics are super fast nowadays, and no way I can keep up with my lust for these "toys" unless I have immeasurable wealth. Even if my present gadget still serves its purpose, often I get the impulse to buy something newer. Kinda like having a new laptop and still wanting to get a netbook.

5. PADDOCK CLUB. A fairly recent yearning, I learned of the Paddock Club in 2010, when I watched the Formula 1 Malaysian Grand Prix. The Paddock Club is a club of F1 enthusiasts who are given exclusive passes to all the F1 races. This pass enables them to mingle with the teams on the pitlane and to get the best seats in every race track. Membership is easy: you just have to pay the membership fee each year, which amounts to just several millions of dollars. Once a member, I'd travel with the F1 circus and get to see every race LIVE.

6. DOWNLOADS. I'm a sucker for downloading music, movies and games on the internet. If I had the dough, I'd download (legally) to my heart's content. For now, I have to resort to free downloads.

7. FAMILY PAYBACK. I've been blessed to have parents and relatives who were selfless and who worked hard to help me attain my more practical dreams. One of my fervent prayers is to be able to have the wealth that will cater their every whim.

8. WORK WITHOUT PAY. I love my work, but I also have to support myself with what I earn. If and when I have my own family, I'd have to support them also with what I earn. But if I were a filthy rich doctor, I'd work pro bono, because my bank account would free me of the my need to earn for a living.

9. CHARITY. It doesn't feel right to keep all my riches to myself. I'd love to be able to give to my favorite charities, as well as to offer scholarships and grants to those who are deserving.

10. HOME. I may be away most of the time, but I want my own private nook in this world. A place where I feel totally safe, and where I can go to when the world is becoming a bit too much for me. Of course, it wouldn't hurt if this place has its own beach, pool and McMansion.

IMMORTALITY

1. READ. I never seem to have enough time for reading. I always have a book or two (or more) waiting to be read. There are blogs I wish I could follow religiously, but just never had the time to do so.

2. WRITE. When I was younger, I thought I'd be a novelist. I had written short stories, but even these took huge chunks of time to complete. In writing, I have the tendency to be a perfectionist, especially in spelling and grammar, and it would just take me years to complete a novel. Sometimes I just want to go away and do nothing but work on a story. If I didn't have an expiry date, I'd be able to do this whenever I feel that itch.

3. COMPUTER GAMES. Be it on Facebook or an actual video game, I'd love to be able to waste time just playing these games. I can get hook on a game and waste precious hours just focused on it.

4. LIVE ABROAD. I envied Liz in Eat, Pray, Love. She was able to live in different countries for several months at a time and actually got to immerse herself in the culture of those places. I'd like to experience this myself, live somewhere long enough to experience how it is in their part of the world.

5. COUCH POTATO. As much as I love reading and playing computer games, I also love watching TV. I'm a TV-series junkie, and I love watching both old and new TV series.

6. HIGHER LEARNING. I have a degree in Biology, something I wish I had the time to follow up on. I'd love to earn a Master's or PhD in biology, do field work and studies, and even teach in a university. Maybe if medicine doesn't work out for me in a decade or so, I'd go back to this field.

7. ROOTS RESEARCH. Not the plant root, but my ancestral roots. I had always been curious about my ancestry. This type of research could take a lifetime, and because my roots are not confined to the Philippines, it would also entail some, if not a lot, of traveling.

8. TOUR. I'd need not just money for this, but time as well. To quench my wanderlust, I'd travel near and far, and I want to spend enough time in each destination to be able to appreciate what that place has to offer.

9. BE LAZY. In my head, I hear Bruno Mars' Lazy Song. It would be a treat to have a lazy day or two (or more!) once in a while. Nothing is more rejuvinating than wasting time doing nothing.

10. BLOG. Oooh, if I were immortal, I promise I'd post more often. No more excuses.

Okay, now with apocalypse dawning, I think I'd better publish this. It's T minus 3 hours and 30 minutes, and if the world does end, let this be my final blog entry.

mr. big live in manila

2011-05-18T20:22:00.001+10:00

At first, I wasn't really psyched about Mr. Big's concert in Manila. While I was a fan of the rock band way back in the early 90's, my initial reaction to finding out of their Manila outing was less than thrilling: they had to wait until they're over the hill to have a concert in the Philippines. Nevertheless, I still wanted to go.

May 10, 2011, Tuesday. My sister and I went to Araneta Coliseum, had an early dinner (a huge Taco Bell dinner, courtesy of BPI) and trooped to the gate. There was a crowd, but nothing too huge. We stayed on the sidelines, sitting on the barriers as we waited for the gates to open. It was sort of an eye opener for me: the crowd was older, no teeny bopper in sight (well, it was the same night as Justin Bieber's concert), and the people there were all old enough to be parents of the Justin Bieber fans. I realized that this was how MY generation looks like nowadays.

When we finally got in, we realized we needn't have worried about seats. The area where we are was not at all full; in fact, we could sit wherever we wanted (despite having reserved seats). Which is good, because I had been praying that I won't be seated next to a smelly man, or to a boisterous group. We chose seats that gave us a good view of the stage, and we were quite contented with our pick. A vendor came bearing blue glow-sticks, and though we knew these were way overpriced, we bought one each, to maximize the concert spirit.

The front acts came and we spent about half an hour wishing their acts were over and done with. They're not really very good, but both played rock so it was not excruciating to sit through their music.

And then came Mr. Big. The stars of the night. It was probably sometime during the opening chords of the first song, one from their Lean into it album, when I felt the Mr. Big bug bite me. I was transported back to the days when I listened to my cassette tape of their album over and over until I learned the words of their songs by heart. I remembered the first time I heard their music: To Be with You, played on the radio during a PE class in grade school, and everyone in my class had stopped to sing the song. I was reminded of how much their music was a part of my life back then, and it dawned on me that I still really do honestly love their music.

Soon we were dancing and waving our glow-sticks (thank God we bought them!) and singing our hearts out. After close to two decades, the words still came naturally to me. I really did knew them by heart! When they played my personal favorite, Green-tinted Sixties Mind, I was really high. I didn't care if I sang out of tune, or if I was making funny movements as I moved with the music, I just let it all out.

I was wrong to think that the band had lost their mojos. I was pleasantly amazed at how magical the night turned out to me. Eric Martin's voice sounded heart-breakingly familiar, and the songs were welcomed hauntings from the past, like a long-lost friend paying a long overdue surprise visit. Every word and every chord brought to the surface what I thought was long forgotten.

But because everything must end, the concert eventually did. Like lovers not wanting to leave each other, band and audience could not just separate. The band gave not one, but two encores, the first in response to the crowd and the second, only they know why. That night, everyone in the coliseum was taken back to the 90's, to the time when the king was Mr. Big, a time that never again will be. But for a few hours that night, we were magically all back to that time.

Thank you, Mr. Big, for making me realize that what the heart knows, it never forgets.

blogging for my ego

2011-05-15T18:47:00.000+10:00

The statements on the right column of this blog, under my dog's pic, say it all. Some people blog to gain fame, some to start a movement, some to express themselves. Some to interact with a specific audience, some to unite people under a common theme, and some to earn money. Not me.

I blog for my ego. Honestly, this is what got me started. I dream of having a life that is so interesting people would want to read about it. I dream of being posthumously famous, and my blog or journal will be sought after by my future fandom. I love to believe that what I think about things matter, and verbalizing these opinions in a post fuels this belief. I matter, my thoughts matter, my life matters...which is why I have to capture it in words, my own way of immortalizing it. This is what my ego tells me every time I stoke it with a new post in this blog.

Frankly, I don't care if I have a loyal following on this blog. I'm not doing this for any audience. I do it to scratch my writer's itch. I love the feeling of satisfaction of publishing a new post, one that I usually spend a lot of time editing until it meets my "standards." I love bumping into bloggable topics, often during mundane activities, and actually finding the time to make a post about it. I love sharing my two-cents on hot issues, and knowing that once published, anyone online can stumble upon my thoughts. I love to challenge myself to write about interesting stuff, and to write about them in such a way that my words can capture the reader.

I blog to chronicle my life. I love re-living moments in my past as I read old posts. I love trying to feel back the emotions I felt then as the words I had written bring me back to that time. Like going through an old journal, I often marvel at how eloquently (at least to my standards) I managed to write about something. It's like giving my ego a pat on the back.

I blog to immortalize me. I used to think that this blog will be in the internet longer than I'll be on this earth, but recent Blogger problems made me see that this blog is only as immortal as Blogger is. If this hosting site shuts down, it takes with it my chronicles. So, I'm keeping my fingers crossed that Blogger will never, ever shut down.

So, to end this post, I repeat words easily readable if only you'd look on the right column. I believe these words succinctly tell why I blog, and I wouldn't be able to tell it any other way:

For as long as I can remember, I've dreamt and attempted to have a journal that eloquently accounts both the significant events of my life as well as my random thoughts. But life happens faster than I can chronicle it, and I usually don't have the time nor the patience to sit for hours in front of the computer to compose an entry that I deem acceptable to be published online. I've learned by maintaining this blog that I'm a sporadic blogger, and that each entry I put is an attempt to slow down life and to chronicle it the best I could.

the sabbatical

2011-03-04T15:11:00.000+10:00

I know, I've been a sporadic blogger. I almost went too long again without posting (or maybe I did). Much has been happening, and I haven't been able to sit down and compose something I deem worthy of publishing. Much like the journals I tried to keep, this has had close encounters with death. Now, before it dies (again), I'm attempting to make up for the seven months I've been silent. Resuscitate before it totally codes again.

Glad to say though, that my silence is equated with many things happening in my life. I don't have as much free time to "waste" chronicling my thoughts because life is happening. Since I last posted in August, I've been in two cities abroad, have successfully conquered another major test, stepped out of my comfort zone by finally leaving a job that's made me stagnate, and now I may have found myself aboard the train towards my dreams. I hadn't planned for any of it, I sort of got sucked into the plan, which I like to think is God's plan for me.

So...let's start from where I left off. My last post was in August of 2010. A good seven months ago, more than half a year. In September, I left the motherland for the land down under. Together with my sister and other international medical graduates, I attended a bridging course in preparation for the first of 2 licensure exams. It turned out to be a 6-week boot camp, with us reporting in at 8 AM and getting dismissed at 8 or even 9 PM, seven days a week. And it was WINTER. My first experience of winter. It wasn't a harsh winter, no snow in fact, but having lived all my life in a place of perpetual summer, it was a big change for me. For the first time, I donned a winter coat and gloves, and I was wearing up to 4 layers of clothes inside. My sister and I became experts in public transportation, having no one but ourselves to rely on in getting to where we needed to go.

The course itself was a boot camp for my brain. I've always had the attention span of a goldfish, and it was hard for me to sit through lectures for more than 3 hours. But not in this course. We had to do this for 12 hours, with just a 15 to 30 minute lunch break, and an occasional 10-minute break in between tutors. I'll write more about this in a separate post.

After the course, it was back to more familiar grounds for us: Sydney. We've been to Sydney many years before, and still remember most of the trip. We flew from Melbourne to Sydney, where our aunt was waiting for us. We had about 1 month before we sit for the exams, so we had to review and study and prepare ourselves the best we can with this time. Again, I became my worst enemy. It really takes me awhile to get started and to stay focused. It didn't help that I knew the exam was still a month away, I felt I have plenty of time to accomplish everything on time. Fortunately, several factors forced me to sit down and study for several hours a day: limited internet access, uninteresting daytime tv shows, my sister not talking to me because she herself was studying, and eventually, just the thought that failure is not an option were suffice to get me to hit the books. The exam was probably 2 weeks away when I really realized I must pass this. Too much time, too much money and too much energy has been invested in this. It was pass or fail, and failure was simply not an option.

So, for much of my remaining time in Australia, I was studying during the weekdays and during weekends, we morphed back in tourist mode. The weekend trips around Sydney were welcome breaks, and we were able to revisit the places that have made quite an impression on me way back: the opera house, Queen Victoria Building, Darling Harbour, the Three Sisters, Manly and Bondi Beaches, Westfield Parramatta and the small park near Tita's flat. And all that fish and chips!

November 20 came all too soon. For the first time ever, I took an exam in front of a computer. The exam took all afternoon, and it was draining. I couldn't remember much of the questions after finishing it, because everything was swimming in my head. I wasn't very confident about my performance because nothing looked familiar. I just prayed that I tackled the questions the way we were coached to do so. I relied very much on my instincts, and I hoped it didn't fail me. My sister and I were quiet on the train ride home, I was feeling shell-shocked and I couldn't tell from her demeanor what she was feeling.

We had about a week left before we had to go home. At this point, I wasn't even missing home yet (well, except for the little dog, who's picture I kept on my bedside because I was missing her everyday). It seemed that the months just flew by. It was hard packing my things, because I wanted to bring a lot of stuff home, but we were only allowed 25kg each. I had decided long before I started packing that I would be leaving some clothes and all my notes behind, because deep down, I had a feeling I'll be back soon.

It's funny how things work. The way things are going now, it does seem that there was basis for that feeling after all. I just might be heading down under again. I hope it's sooner rather than later, and I pray that this time, it's for good.

the monster's riot

2010-08-11T18:51:00.000+10:00

For the past several hours, I found myself asking the same question over and over again: why do I love songs of the 80's and 90's? This introspection was triggered by my sister's snort when I blurted out earlier that I love listening to these songs, after hearing Wilson-Phillips on the car radio.

Wednesday is my radio day. It's the only day in the week when I prefer having the radio on instead of the TV or my iPod. This is not to plug, but I love listening to RX Monster's Riot, which goes on for the entire Wednesday. 24 hours of listening to OLD songs. By old I don't mean those oldies but goodies tracks; what they play on this station every Wednesday are songs that were popular during their day. These songs are at least 10 years old, not necessarily award winners, but they had a good share of air time around the time they were released. Most of the songs they play are tracks of the 80's and 90's, and I just love listening to these songs.

I guess my strong affinity for music from these two decades have a lot to do with what was happening to my life then. I was born on the last year of the 70's and grew up during the 80's and 90's. My formative years coincided with these decades. Music from these years were often in the background, and though hearing them do not bring specific events or memories, they do bring about a happy feeling, a sort of nostalgic feeling for the era in my life when I was most positive, so full of dreams and not the slightest bit jaded. During those years, I saw my adult life as an eagerly awaited adventure, and anything is possible.

I grew up during the 80's watching movies from betamax and vhs. As 80's movies go, these movies are about adventures and misadventures, and often the situations were too fantastic to be true. To my young mind, they left an imprint of how adult life was to be: one big adventure. I loved the soundtracks of these movies, and up to now, hearing them sparks in me some hope, reminding me that life is nothing but a big adventure.

I was a teenager during most of the 90's. I think I felt then that I'm on the brink of THE adventure and that at any moment, LIFE will start. I'd like to believe that I wasn't a typical angst-filled teenager. Though I did pretty well in high school and college, I know I wasn't the perfect student, far from it, and I had my share of misdeeds...for which I wasn't caught. Grunge and alternative rock music hit the mainstream around this time, and I found myself liking these genre. I still do, though I feel more recent tracks lack the passion of their progenitors. Nevertheless, I still love the genre. The Gin Blossoms, Alanis Morrissette, Bon Jovi and Mr. Big were some of the notable artists in this decade that have set the bar and for me, very few can measure up to their standards.

The first decade of the 2000's is ending, but I'm not as enamored to music from this decade as I am to the 80's and 90's music. Probably because for me this decade is some sort of a dark age. I've spent majority of this decade being a slave to medicine while fighting to control an inner turmoil that is best described as a quarter life crisis. It's only now that I realize that many times I've sought comfort from music that reminded me of better times. As I struggle with my inner demons, the music from my past reminds me of how sunny my outlook used to be. I strive to live my life now as close as I can to how I used to think this adventure is to be played out. Hearing music from time past reminds me of my younger self's vision of today, and because this vision had given me so much hope, I do my best to try to live it.

So, perhaps this is why I love getting my weekly fix of 80's and 90's music. Or maybe there is no other reason at all, except that I simply love music from these decades.

Disclaimer: This is not a promotional piece from the RX Monster's Riot. No profit is being made from its use in this entry.

the test

2010-07-21T13:21:00.000+10:00

The passports have come back, and finally we can make plans. Or rather finalize plans. It's too late now for the July target, so we had to resort to plan B: September.

I should have taken this step years ago, but I was too chicken to do it. I was aware that this is inevitable, that I would really have to go through with this at one time in order for my plans to work out. I can't quite explain why I kept postponing it, except to honestly say that I was scared of taking the test. This is not like me at all, I have faced tests head on for as long as I can remember, prepared or not prepared. For some reason, I felt that the timing wasn't right, and I kept holding back.

So now, I'm ready to finally take the exam. Or maybe I just ran out of reasons for not doing so. Psyched and finally able to study (not as much as I wanted to, but then again I have never been able to prepare for any exam as much as I wanted to), I was set to take the bridging course in July and the exam on September.

Lo and behold, something (someone?) told me this wasn't to be. I'd like to think of it as divine intervention. My visa application got delayed and it was only yesterday that I finally got my visa. Now it's too late to get into the July program, so everything's moved to September.

So, it's hitting the books for me. More work. More time to prepare. Unless something else happens between now and September, it's definite that I'll be facing one of the biggest tests in my life at the last quarter of this year.

a pet's ten commandments

2010-07-14T18:43:00.000+10:00

1. My life is likely to last 10-15 years. Any separation from you is likely to be painful.

2. Give me time to understand what you want of me.

3. Place your trust in me. It's crucial for my well-being.

4. Don't be angry with me for long and don't lock me up as punishment. You have your work, your friends, your entertainment, but I only have you.

5. Talk to me. Even if I don't understand your words, I do understand your voice when you're speaking to me.

6. Be aware that however you treat me, I will not forget it.

7. Before you hit me, before you strike me, remember that I could hurt you, and yet, I choose not to bite you.

8. Before you scold me for being lazy or uncooperative, ask yourself if something might be bothering me. Perhaps I'm not getting the right food, I have been in the sun too long, or my heart might be getting old or weak.

9. Please take care of me when I grow old. You, too, will grow old.

10. On the ultimate difficult journey, go with me please. Never say you can't bear to watch. Don't make me face this alone. Everything is easier for me if you are there, because I love you so.

Reposted from Rico's notes.

Germany vs England [4-1] All Goals & Full Highlights World Cup 2010 Germ...

2010-06-28T15:54:00.000+10:00

waka waka

2010-06-28T13:36:00.000+10:00

Germany beat England in South Africa! This is the first football game I watched from start to finish. I loved it!

Admittedly, I'm not one of the millions (billions?) of football fans out there. Before cable TV, I knew football to be a game of big brutes banging their big-shoulder-padded bodies as they fight for a brown pigskin egg-shaped ball, a ball that to me looked like a giant chocolate egg candy. Apparently, my understanding of football had a lot to do with the Americanesque mind-set and culture I grew up in. When cable TV arrived, I was introduced to the football that the greater part of the world was so passionately in love with...SOCCER.

Yup, I realized soccer was football to almost everyone in the planet except for the Americans (and for people like me whose first exposure of Western culture was the American culture). I didn't know UEFA, but I knew NBA and MLB.

My first encounter with the FIFA World Cup was with the song Tubthumping (Chumbawamba) in the 1998 World Cup. I loved that song! But I was in school then, and I failed to see a single game, no thanks to the time zone difference between France and the Philippines. My passion was Michael Jordan and the Chicago Bulls...I remember cutting classes just to watch a live game. So the World Cup to me then was just a good song.

Last night, I wasn't intending to watch the game between Germany and England. My fascination with football had heightened a bit, but mainly because of my interest in Kaka. I still wasn't hooked in the game. I find it too slow (score-wise) and the possibility of having it end in a draw (or even worse, a scoreless draw) did not help in whetting my appetite for it. But my sister wanted to watch the game, and since there was nothing else on TV, I decided to give it another chance. I had a book with me, though, because I'm expecting to lose interest after the first couple of minutes and failed score attempts.

But, lo and behold, I got hooked. Maybe it was the sell-out crowd, but the atmosphere was too magnetizing. I didn't know anybody on the field (except Rooney, but I only hear about him because of news reports of his injuries). The first half passed quickly and I was surprised that half-time came without me noticing the minutes ticking by.

You're a good soldier
Choosing your battles
Pick yourself up
And dust yourself off
And back in the saddle

I liked the game I watched last night. I liked the way the teams appeared to be evenly matched. I liked how they exchanged ball possessions, and the game pace. I even liked how outlandish some fans were, with face paints, wigs, costumes and flags. The football game last night made the F1 race, which I watched minutes before the game, seemed like a shmooze-fest.

You're on the frontline
Everyone's watching
You know it's serious
We're getting closer
This isn't over

I think what made this particular game last night so engaging was that each player played with heart. It was a do-or-die game, and there was no way it was going to end in a draw. Only one team will advance and the other will have to wait four more years to get a second chance. One team's dreams will shatter as the other gets to continue their bid for football's greatest treasure. And so every player, English and German alike, played with all they have. It was a battle for survival, and no one was going to back down.

The pressure is on
You feel it
But you've got it all
Believe it

When you fall get up
And if you fall get up

I was almost sorry that England's World Cup dreams had ended. On the other hand, I was elated that Germany, a younger team without real superstars, is continuing on. I knew from the start that only one team will advance, but it was still bittersweet. But that's how it is in sports. There can only be one winner. Germany have won this match, but it's just another battle for the elusive cup. The war has not ended, and now they will have to face a more formidable foe. I hope I get to watch their game with Argentina. If the game is anything like last night's game, staying up until the wee hours is certainly worth it.

Listen to your god
This is our motto
Your time to shine
Don't wait in line
Y vamos por todo

People are raising
Their expectations
Go on and feed them
This is your moment
No hesitations

I am now beginning to understand the world's fascination with football. While I am still a long way from becoming a fan, now I have an inkling of why this sport is loved by so many. A game played with heart supercedes one laced with superstars. Who knows, maybe if I continue seeing more games like this, I'll be a convert by the time the 31st day rolls in.

Today's your day
I feel it
You paved the way
Believe it

If you get down
Get up
When you get down
Get up

vet reflections

2010-06-02T19:37:00.000+10:00

For as long as I can remember, I've always loved dogs. It has never mattered to me if the dog is pedigreed or not, nor am I particular about their personalities. I just love dogs.

I have gone through the vicious cycle many times: falling in love with the pup, adoring its positive qualities and learning to live with the negatives, comfortably co-existing with the adult dog, and the inevitable heartbreak of losing the aged dog. Time and again I've wondered why God chose to give us a bestfriend whose lifespan is at best one-fifth of ours. I still don't know the answer, and I probably never will, because often when the question begins to haunt me, a new pup will arrive and distract me from that question for the duration of its life.

Most of the time I love being the dog's human. Most of the time it's easy to be the dog's human: you just spend time together, feed and bathe the dog when needed, and in return, the dog gives you his/her undying love and loyalty. But before we reach this stage, the dog and I have to undergo the boot camp stage: potty training, establishing feeding time, instilling in the dog that he/she simply can't destroy plants in the garden and in the house, and basic obedience. This is not so hard for me now, having been a dog's human for almost 3 decades. For first timers though, it can be hell.

My friend Marose, a veterinarian, told me of her blog that gives tips to pet owners. Today I checked out her blog, and it's wonderful! It gives information but not too much information. It deals with practical solutions for the mundane problems that can lead to hair-pulling situations. The blog is a treat even for veteran dog humans like me, so it will surely be helpful for the newbie dog humans. If you'd like to check it out, click on the link at the right portion of this blog or enter this url in your browser: http://vetreflections.blogspot.com/

Understand though, that this blog does not substitute for an actual consultation with a vet. Most of the information given here are for the pet's health promotion and practical tips for easier co-existence among humans and pets. Any medical problem should still warrant a visit to the vet. If you'd like to visit Doc Marose, her contact details are on her blog.

viridian fever

2010-05-06T19:35:00.000+10:00

What in the world is Viridian Fever? Is it a colloquial term for some other disease or is it a new illness? Before this launches another pandemic frenzy, let me clear this up.

Viridian Fever is closely associated with another kind of fever: Election Fever. You get my drift? If you know Latin, or if you have Google on your toolbar or in another window, you'll know by now what I am talking about. Viridian...is Latin for green.

So it's obvious what I am talking about. Viridian fever = Green fever. No need to panic, unless you suffer from yellow fever (literally and figuratively), orange fever, scarlet fever (again, literally and figuratively) or whatever-color-your-candidate-has-adapted fever. For fellow Greenies, my salutations, I am one of you.

To everyone, I come in peace, I will not smear my blog with any mud nor lace it with negativity. Instead, this post, the first I've written in a looooong time, will be all about the candidate I am supporting and my sentiments about it. He campaigned without mudslinging, and I will follow his example (see how his leadership is already bringing change?).

On May 2010, I am voting for G1BO TEODORO. This is no secret to all the people who know me. I wear his baller bracelet, my bag has his bag tag, the car has his sticker and the house gates are painted viridian with his stickers on the gate post. You don't have to be as smart as Gibo to figure out who I am supporting.

I am a Greenie from the start, way before the war of the colors had begun. I see in Gibo the qualities I want my president to have. I am voting for Gibo because of the man he is. He has integrity. He campaigned without besmirching anyone. When bashed, he did not stoop to the level of his detractors by flinging back skeletons from their closets. He presented to the Filipino people what he had, not what his relatives did nor what he did not have. His promises are rooted in pragmatism, and this is how I believe it should be. I believe that if we start working now, the Philippines will eventually that fabled paradise.

Besides that, as former Secretary of National Defense and a colonel in the Air Force Reserve, Gibo has the military know-how. I want my commander-in-chief to be knowledgeable in the ways of the military, because in the unfortunate event that we are plunged into war, this person will be calling the shots. With the threat of war always being ever so present in our archipelago, knowing my commander-in-chief can boodle with the military big boys makes me feel safer.

That Gibo is smart is not a secret, nor is it something still to be proven. Same with his being eloquent, and not just in the lingua franca or the vernacular, but also in other dialects. He is not one to utter a tactless comment, regardless of how emotional he is. He possesses the charm of a diplomat, and couple that with his commanding presence, I will be proud to have him represent the Philippines in the international setting.

Gibo is ready to serve, to the best of his capabilities. His actions say so. Recall the time when disaster struck Leyte and there was a scramble to mobilize the troops and bring the relief goods and supplies to the area. The call for help reached Gibo Teodoro's ears and it was a call not left unheeded. Although still mourning for his father, Gibo left the wake and went on to pilot a plane bringing supplies to the disaster area.

Gibo Teodoro is the best man to lead us. The best man in a long time. For as long as I can remember, we haven't had a person of his caliber run for public office. By voting for him, I am actually voting for me, for the entire Philippines. If someone else gets elected president, we can say Gibo is the loser in the elections. Technically. But in the bigger scheme of things, it will be the Philippines, us, who will be the biggest losers. So forgive me if I try to infect you with Viridian Fever.

This entry is a contribution to the Blog Rounds v.2 May 8, 2010 Edition: Election Fever, hosted by Joey M.D.

the real world a.k.a. life after med school

2009-03-05T16:52:00.000+10:00

The memory is still fresh on my mind. You can't quite describe the feeling, you have to have gone through the experience to understand what I'm trying to describe. It's the feeling of being FREE, a dizzying mixture of ecstasy, excitement, hopefulness, relief and panic.

Ecstasy. Excitement. Hopefulness. Relief. Panic. Five words I'm using to attempt to verbalize the feeling of freedom I felt after I passed the medical boards. For me, that was the point in my life when formal education ended and real life began.

It was surreal at first. The first thing I realized was that I actually have full control of how to spend my time. After 2 years wherein days have been renamed pre-duty, duty and from-duty, I now have Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday once again. I can go to bed as early or as late as I want to and don't have to count the number of hours I have left to sleep before getting up again. I am FREE.

Now, once you have fully grasped the idea that you are free, your conscience will start making its presence felt. For me, this took about a month. After all the parties, the oath-taking and the days spent doing nothing, I began to feel uneasy. I was itching to be productive. I know I have to be. After all, I now have a shiny new license to use.

I know I wasn't ready to embark into another training odyssey, there are still so many things I wanted to do. But I HAD to do something productive. If I go into residency, I'll be kissing at least 3 years of my life away...it'll be back to pre-duty, duty and from-duty days again. No holidays, no weekends, just those three freaking days. I am not ready to go back to that...yet.

So I decided to go into moonlighting. This way, I still can choose how many times a week to go to work. I am being productive and still having control of my time. Another plus is that for the first time in my life, I am earning my own money. Cash I can spend however I want to. By moonlighting, I get to hone my clinical skills and tick off things from my bucket list at the same time. Now I have the means to do the things I've put on hold while I was busy training.

I don't have any regrets for choosing to go into moonlighting. While it's true that by moonlighting you are putting your career on a stand-still, a good thing is you are somehow introduced to medicine in the real world. You will realize that you don't actually use every drug in Katzung or MIMS, and that you only encounter a handful of diseases. Rare diseases are really rare. You will learn how to do a complete physical examination in seconds. You will learn how to think outside the box.

All these and at the same time you get to create for yourself a life. Travel. Spend time with the loved ones you have neglected or missed during med school or training. Get back into shape. Catch up with movies and TV shows you've missed. Re-connect with yourself.

In time though, you will feel the need to advance your career. I've been feeling it lately, probably because my med school classmates who went straight into residency are now close to finishing their training. Perhaps somewhere in our training, a desire to do more and to learn more had been inculcated in us such that we'll always seek for new challenges and knowledge. After sometime, private practice will lose its novelty to you and you'll know that it's time to get back into training. I just hope that by the time this thirst makes itself known to you, you have done most, if not all, of the things you neglected doing while you were in med school. You may be too old, or simply be too late, to do this after quenching your thirst.

Enjoy your youth and freedom, new doctors! Do the things you've always wished you were doing while you were stuck in training. Don't be in such a hurry to advance your careers, residency and fellowship will always be there and they have no age limitations. In the real world anyway, patients will always prefer an older doctor.

This entry is a contribution to The Blog Rounds March 2009 Edition: Letter to a (Medical) Graduate

exodus, part 2

2008-08-26T00:03:00.001+10:00

It's never been a secret among my relatives and peers that I have my eyes trained to the greener pastures of developed countries. My mind's made up and at the moment, I am exhausting all avenues to be able fly out of the motherland and practice my craft in foreign lands. My reasons for this may be selfish, but unfortunately, my love for my family overrides my love for my country.

In a previous post on this blog, entitled Exodus, I have elaborated my reasons for this decision. Composed several years ago, Exodus still holds true for me. My sentiments then have not changed. Not a bit.

I am deeply saddened and outraged by the government's House Bill 4580. To say that I am surprised by the UP College of Medicine's move to require their graduates to serve the country for several years before being allowed to go abroad is an understatement. I am SHOCKED. HORRIFIED.

I am not an expert on human rights or related laws but there has to be a breach of this in the government's decision to pass this house bill. UP used to be a staunch protector of these rights and freedom. My alma mater has let me down by devising this return service mechanism.

I still do plan to return after a stint abroad. But my conviction in doing so is being rattled by these ridiculous attempts to keep doctors in the country. Pandora's box shutting close might just be enough turbulence to completely rid me of this conviction.

I end this entry by repeating a quote from Fr. Bienvenido Nebres, SJ:
"If you have a heart that cares for your native land, you will find a way to make a difference even if you are far away. And, perhaps, on the other hand, if you do not have a heart, you will not make a difference even if you stay."

This entry is a contribution to the Blog Rounds 17th ed., hosted by Bone MD.

facebook

2008-07-02T13:59:00.000+10:00

It's amazing how a bunch of simple games and applications could start an addiction. That's how my facebook story began. I was hesitant at first because I thought facebook was just another version of friendster or multiply. My friend told me with a vehement "No!" that facebook is different, it's more interactive.

So I opened the account just to see how much more interactive facebook is. My first impression was that the homepage looked boring. Nothing flashy, it reminded me actually of MS Word. I figured I'd give it a couple of weeks to see how much work maintaining the account requires, then if I am still bored with it or find it too tedious, I'd simply delete the account.

I began adding friends, then friends sent me application requests, which I then accepted. Soon I was super-pokin', creating a lil' green patch, going on high-seas adventures, taking care of virtual puppies, playing in a virtual stock market (where I am now a billionaire), driving virtual cars and flying virtual airplanes. I now have a street named after me where my friends can park their virtual cars, and I am the mayor to a city whose citizens are being added daily by my friends. Time just flies when I log into facebook.

This morning, the first thing that came into my mind upon waking up was that I need to repark my cars because I might get a ticket for illegally parking them.
From my bed, I went straight to the computer and logged in. I haven't moved since, and it's a few minutes past noon now. I predict I'll spend the rest of the afternoon stalking the pack rat markets.

They say the first thing to do in getting rid of an addiction is admitting it. It's been fun with facebook, but now it's interfering with my productivity. So here it goes...I'm a facebook addict. Now that I've said it, I've done the first step. That will do for now. Meantime, I gotta go check my cars, puppies, stocks and pack in facebook.

er

2008-06-14T01:41:00.000+10:00

Why did you become a doctor?

The question was asked, answered, asked again, answered again. I doubt if I'll ever stop coming across this question. Other versions would be the question in the vernacular and the question in the future tense (which I encountered in pre-med and in med school), and frankly, I don't remember what answer I gave each time the question was fielded to me. I don't remember because I know I haven't been truthful in answering that question.

The root of my untruthfulness in this matter is this: my reason for choosing to be a doctor is really so trivial. Or maybe I should say TV-ial. Probably for the first time ever, I'm going to come out and say what really pushed me to be a doctor:

Not the emergency room, no life changing experiences in some emergency room, but the award-winning series ER, starring Anthony Edwards, George Clooney, Noah Wiley and Eriq LaSalle. I was at a very impressionable age when ER was at the height of its popularity. The drama, the action, the challenges, the characters...I don't know what it was with this show that propelled me to make one of the most important decisions in my life based on a TV show. I didn't know it then, but now I can honestly say I became a doctor because of ER.

I'd like to think of myself as a critical viewer, and even then I knew how deceptive TV and movies are. So to base my career choice on a TV show is really ludicrous. But I know in heart that the show was responsible for my being a doctor.

Back then I have no idea how close to or far from reality ER was. I can't even pinpoint what it was in ER that made it so influential to me...after all, the show portrayed over-worked and underpaid doctors, dealing with self-destructing patients, health catastrophes and disdainful hospital politics. Doctors are not intellectual gods (like House and associates) nor glamorous beings (like Chicago Hope docs and Nip/Tuck surgeons). As I think about it now, I do believe ER probably is as close as medical movies and TV shows get to the real thing.

Or maybe I'm being biased. I most probably am. After all, I had my epiphany during the golden years of ER, and amazingly, I do not regret this decision. Maybe in my darkest hours I have had second thoughts about it, but eventually, I'll come back to the same conclusion. This is my calling, and I'll have to thank ER for God's vehicle of getting this message to me.

This entry is a contribution to the Blog Rounds 14th Ed., hosted by Em Dy.

word nerd

2008-05-31T14:55:00.000+10:00

Blog. Blogging. Blogger. To the uninitiated, these words are simply funny sounding. At first, I thought that these terms sounded so silly that no one can possibly get anything more than a few laughs from their content. Who would've thought that one could stumble into a fount of great ideas from something with such a funny label.

I had always been enamored with words, that is, the written word. To borrow David Cook's term, I guess you could say I'm a word nerd. I just love playing with words and getting what I feel and think on paper. When this all began, I don't know. I have this secret dream (well, now it won't be a secret anymore) of having a best-seller published and winning literary awards for it.

Writing has always been an outlet for me. I have journals that could document the development of my handwriting from a school kid's scrawl to the doctor's chicken-scratch penmanship that I now have (unfortunately, in some cases, my handwriting when I was younger is actually a bit more legible than the present). I wrote in these journals for a release, and because secretly, I also hoped that someday, I'd be someone important enough for people to want to know how I lived. Such Narcissistic delusion of grandeur actually led me to start my first blog.

Now, i don't pretty much care if people read my blogs or not. My views about blogging have changed somewhat. I have come to realize that through blogging (as I have stated in my blog's description), I am attempting to make life move slower for me. My blog entries are attempts to preserve the "now." It's not that I don't want to move forward; it's just that I'm finding life's pace to be a bit too fast. Blogging can capture for me what photographs cannot; I guess you could say that my blog entries are snapshots of my thoughts and memories, painstakingly converted into text that tries to convey them as eloquently as I could.

A couple of weeks back, a friend introduced me to a blogging world I haven't discovered yet: the world of physician bloggers. As I hopped from one blog to another, I was surprised to find that these blogs hold unique treasures unselfishly shared by their writers. I found solace in the array of blogs, written by physicians who are undoubtedly very different from myself, but kindreds nevertheless in this path we all chose to traverse. The anonymity allows for a more open sharing, and yet, all these inputs from doctors I don't know are amazingly very comforting and empowering.

Now, I try to take part as often as I could in the Blog Rounds. Again, the Narcissistic part of me eggs me contribute because fellow MDs might like reading what I was writing. However, I think I'm doing this mainly because composing an entry helps me collect my thoughts and somehow by putting these into words, some sort of order is established in my mind. I like the feeling of satisfaction after completing an entry and clicking the publish post button.

To end, I still think the best thing about posting is that I get to play with words.

This entry is a contribution to the Blog Rounds 13th Ed., hosted by Bone MD.

he had me at hello

2008-05-22T13:26:00.000+10:00

I think it was when he sang Bryan Adams' Everything I do, I do it for you that I first noticed David Cook. I've always rooted for the rockers in the competition, but with their not so good record on the show, I thought then that the best that I could hope for is for him to give us a couple of good performances and hope he'll be given a record deal like Chris Daughtry. I was resigned to the reality that while AI showcases some really talented rockers, America doesn't really vote for rockers.

When he sang Lionel Richie's Hello, I was hooked. Hooked on Cook. I began downloading his performances and I would listen to them over and over. The first time I heard the Beatles' Eleanor Rigby was when David Cook sang it, and I actually liked it. Loved Billie Jean and Always be my baby (which I didn't like when Mariah released it). The Phantom of the Opera fan that I am, I was mesmerized by The Music of the Night.

I'm glad I was proven wrong. I would rank David Cook as one of the three most talented American Idol winners, along with Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood. Chris Daughtry is still my favorite AI contestant, especially since he followed his Idol exit with a superb album, but Cook fast rising up to his rank.

Congratulations to the new American Idol David Cook!

a sick system

2008-04-21T00:57:00.000+10:00

The Philippine Health Care system is very easy to understand: if you have money, you can get treated. If you don't, sorry. Plain and simple, harsh but true, in the Philippines, a sick person can get well only if he/she has the money to buy the medicines he/she needs. That's just the way it is.

Government hospitals exist, but these hospitals can only do so much with the meager budget given to them. Health care workers are already overworked and underpaid, yet very little money is left for the maintenance of the facilities and equipment. Because of this, government hospitals can only provide service and facilities for the people; the patients have to buy their medicines and other medical supplies they'll be needing. Basically, a patient gets diagnosed in a government institution, and after that, it's up to the patient to acquire the funds to buy his medicines.

In private institutions, the patient will have to pay for everything: hospital room, medicines, diagnostics, professional fees of the doctors who treat them. Because private hospitals are forbidden by law to ask for a deposit upon admitting a patient, problems arise when the patient fails to hold his end of the bargain: pay the hospital bill. The patient gets well, and because it's forbidden (another stupid law) to detain patients because they cannot pay, he gets discharged, leaving the hospital and the doctors only his word that he'll be back with the payment. Meanwhile, where will the hospital get the money to pay for the medicines and medical supplies that the patient had used? Where will the doctor get the money to sustain his and his family's needs? The answer to both of these is the same: from other patients. Both the hospital and the doctor will now charge their other patients more.

This is how it is in the health care profession. It's sad that lawmakers are making it even harder for us by making stupid laws. The only real solution I can think of is to increase the budget for health. That way, government hospitals can do more for more needy people, and sick people won't have to resort to unethical means to get treatment.

For now, we'll have to live with what we have. Save for the rainy days, and do what we can to prevent getting sick. This is just about all we can do, really.

looking back at the crossroads

2008-03-31T21:42:00.000+10:00

I'm finding myself looking back at the crossroads that I thought I had passed almost two years ago. It's not helping me any that I'm questioning my decision back then, even though I still feel that I had made the right decision.

I've been moonlighting since passing the boards in August 2006. Back then, I was all set to pursue further medical training abroad and I figured that I would moonlight while waiting for my opportunity to leave. I had decided that I would only go into residency here if I'm still here after exhausting all means of getting a license to practice abroad.

The thought of going to residency has entered (and re-entered, several times) my mind, but after four years of med school, one year of internship and one and a half year of moonlighting, I have yet to figure out which specialization to take. My only consolation is that I now know without a doubt which specialization NOT to take.

Now I'm getting tired of moonlighting. Going to duty is becoming a chore, and I no longer find it challenging. Feels like I'm stuck in a rut. However, I'm finding it hard to let go of its plusses: getting to practice medicine, earning more than I spend and having control of how I spend my days. Basically, I'm getting to live my life the way I want it. Except for the career growth.

Will I let go of this in order to move up the career ladder? Or should I stick to my original decision and still continue working on going abroad? These questions are fast becoming my constant companions, threatening to pull me back to the crossroads. Again and again they creep into my mind, causing me to stop and rethink my decision.

Yet again and again I end up deciding to stick to my choice, to turn my back to the crossroads and head up this path I've chosen. I may stop once in a while to look back to the crossroads, but I somehow manage to make myself start moving on forward again. In my heart, I still believe I made the right choice...I just did not realize it would take this long for it to be validated.

P.S.
If you are wondering why I am so bent up in trying to get out of the Philippines, please check out exodus, the post I made shortly after deciding to leave the crossroads.

blog rounds

2008-03-28T23:53:00.000+10:00

So this is it. I'm in. Crack those knuckles, get the neurons firing and let the creative juices flow. I somehow managed to get myself into the Blog Rounds, the blog carnival of Filipino medical bloggers.

My friend MerryCherryMD was responsible for luring me in the middle of this blog carnival. She made it sound so easy and fun, so I decided to give it a shot.

I clicked on the blog rounds picture. Bone MD's The Orthopedic Logbook materialized on my screen, and I found myself reading the guidelines for the Philippines' first ever medicine blog carnival.

Sounds good. Challenging but not too toxic (it seems), and here's a chance for me to actually use my gray matter and play with words at the same time. I just can't pass this, I have to give this a try. Who knows, maybe this will open new doors for me.

And maybe it will for you as well. Just click on the picture and immerse yourself in the Blog Rounds blogosphere.

malaysian grand prix 2008

2008-03-23T20:36:00.000+10:00

After the disastrous weekend in Melbourne, I was apprehensive coming into this weekend's grand prix. Hoping fervently that one week is enough to recover from one of the worst season starters, I prayed that it won't be a heartbreaking weekend.

No disappointments during qualifying, it was a Ferrari 1-2!!! Massa outqualified Kimi, but knowing Kimi is the more aggressive driver, their grid positions were fine with me. Hamilton and Heikki were 4 and 5, that was okay with me, too. Showed that Ferrari outpaced McLaren.

To make things sweeter, BMW's Nick Heidfeld put a complaint about the Macs being obstructive in his final fast lap. Thankfully, the stewards saw that indeed, the slowing down McLarens were on the racing line, interfering with the lap times of Heidfeld and Alonso. They decided to demote the Macs five places down. This put Heidfeld and Alonso two places up, and Lewis and Heikki smack into midfield.

The race start was great, with Raikkonen getting a better start than his teammate, but Massa defended his position and managed to stay up front. Things changed after the pit stops, when Raikkonen had good in and out laps, effectively putting him in front of Massa despite their pit times being almost identical. This sealed victory for Kimi.

The ending would've been sweeter if Massa finished second, but not surprisingly, he self-destructed (again!) and got himself stuck on the gravel pit. This is beginning to worry me, because for two straight races, Massa's made driving errors that took him out of the race. Ferrari needs Massa to generate some points in order to win the constructors' championship. So far, their only points are those scored by Raikkonen.

So, Bahrain is next...hopefully, this time, it'll be a 1-2 for Ferrari.

visual MEMEs

2008-03-19T00:46:00.000+10:00

I have no idea what the title of this post means...for me, MEME = Sleep. Anyway, I read this on Hazel's Peanutbrittle Diaries and thought I'd give it a shot.

Answer the questions below, do a google image search with your answer, take a picture from the first page of results (don't copy the answers of the person who posted this before you).

1. the age you'll be on your next birthday

2. a place you'd like to travel

3. your favorite place

4. your favorite food

5. your favorite animal

6. your favorite color

7. first name of your significant other/crush

8. the town in which you live in

9. your screenname/nickname

10. your first job

11. a bad habit you have

12. your worst fear

australian grand prix 2008

2008-03-16T23:56:00.000+10:00

I had been eagerly anticipating the start of this year's Formula 1 season. The 2007 season ended superbly for me, with Ferrari taking both the Constructors' and the Drivers' championship titles. Kimi Raikkonen eased the pain of Michael Schumacher's retirement, and the way he won his first championship title is one for the books. Kimi was in third place coming into the season's final grand prix, and, although it was mathematically possible, what Kimi needed to win last year was something short of a miracle. He did not only had to win the race, he also had to have a bit of luck in hoping his rivals finish several places behind him.

He got just that. A bit of "dumb" luck, to borrow Marc & Rovilson's term for stupidly good luck. So the season ended magically; it was like movie magic.

And then it takes one race to jolt me back to reality. This year's Australian Grand Prix, the first race of the season, was a bitter pill to swallow. It was probably Ferrari's worst ever season opener.

Ferrari came in with all the advantages: the best pit place, the reigning world champion in their paddock and the best pit crew. Good on paper, but apparently not on the racetrack. Magical it was not.

The qualifying yesterday was an omen. The number one car had fuel pressure problems, placing Kimi 15th on the grid. 15th among 22 cars. Felipe Massa's best was only good for 4th place, with the 2 drivers from archenemy McLaren ahead of him. Robert Kubica's BMW even managed to squeak past him. And BMW was supposed to be a middle-of-the-pack team.

The red lights went off...and the nightmare began. Felipe self-destructed early on, making a mistake amidst the mellee and ramming his car onto the barriers. He had to limp an entire lap before having his front wing changed. Kimi gave me some hope, jumping from 15 to 8. And his car seemed to be fueled to the brim.

Kimi drove wonderfully, making it to 3rd place before self-destructing. He went one step too far and almost drove himself out of the race. He managed to avoid the barrier, but he dropped back to the end of the pack. The race went downhill from there, with Kimi's car sputtering to a stop with 5 laps to go.

The race was a cruel reminder that in this world, everything can change in a blink of an eye. From the top of the totem pole, Ferrari became bottom dwellers. Forever an optimist, I hope this would last for 1 week only. Now, I'm looking forward to the Malaysian Grand Prix and hope that Ferrari will redeem themselves. Dumb luck, stupid luck or even just a bit of good luck will be greatly appreciated. Magical this race certainly is not.

earth hour

2008-03-13T13:41:00.000+10:00

Got this in my email, from my sister. Maybe we could give this one hour to the planet.

On 29 March 2008, the Philippines will join countries around the world as we literally "turn the lights out" for Earth Hour - an event that will fuel awareness on climate change and prove that when the people of the world work together, they can make a difference in the fight against global warming.

Earth Hour will take place throughout the Philippines from 8 to 9 in the evening on Saturday night, 29 March 2008. WWF invites you to participate by shutting off lights for 60 minutes, organizing your own "lights-out" event of by forwarding this mail to your friends, workmates and family.

Launched in Australia on the 31st of March 2007, Earth Hour moved 2.2 million people and 2100 businesses in Sydney to turn off their lights for one hour. This massive collective effort reduced the city's energy consumption by 10.2% for one hour. With Sydney icons like the Harbour Bridge and Opera House turning their lights off and unique events such as weddings by candlelight, the world took notice. Inspired by the collective effort of millions of Sydneysiders, many major global cities are joining Earth Hour in 2008, turning a symbolic event into a global movement.

Your participation will go a long way in spreading the message that we, as individual droplets working collectively can create an impetus far more powerful than the mightiest of rivers. For more information, log on to the WWF Earth Hour page at www.earthhour.org.

english

2008-03-11T18:01:00.000+10:00

I got this email from my mother. It was so true and amusing that I just had to post it.

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxe.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Why should't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England.
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
We find that quicksand can work slowly,
Boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be
committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
While a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house
can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out,
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

And, in closing if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?

adopting

2008-02-09T23:52:00.000+10:00

UP at 100 survey

2008-01-19T22:03:00.000+10:00

I've been receiving this survey in my email, and thought I might as well answer it here...

Maligayang ika-100 taon, mga Iskolarng Bayan!
1. Student number? 97-05060
2. College? College of Science
3. Ano ang course mo? BS Biology
4. Nag-shift ka ba o na-kickout? Neither
5. Saan ka kumuha ng UPCAT? UP Diliman, dun sa Physics Building
6. Favorite GE subjects? Geo 11
7. Favorite PE? Swimming
8. Saan ka nag-aabang ng hot girl/boy sa UP? Hmm...AS Lobby, IB Lobby
9. Favorite prof(s): Ian, Ana, JC, Henry -- o di ba? 1st name basis na kami! Cool kasi sila.
10. Pinaka-ayaw na GE subject: STS or SST or STT, something like that, basta yung GE na for seniors
11. Kumuha ka ba ng Wed or Sat classes? Nope
12. Nakapag-field trip ka ba? Yup, BS Bio kasi kaya madami field trips to do field work
13. Naging CS ka na ba or US sa UP? Yes to both!!! Yabang, hehe
14. Ano ang Org/Frat/Soro mo? UP PMHS, UP ABM, UP BioClub, Helios
15. Saan ka tumatambay palagi? PMHS tambayan, IB Lobby
16. Dorm, Boarding house, o Bahay? Bahay
17. Kung walang UPCAT test at malayakang nakapili ng kurso mo sa UP, anoyun? (Given ang mentality mo nung HSka) BS Bio pa din siguro, yun naman kasi first choice ko
18. Sino ang pinaka-una mong nakilalasa UP? LeaZap, Sandra and Rorie
19. First play na napanood mo sa UP? I forgot, I think it's a play about Freud
20. Name the 5 most conyo orgs in UP. No idea. Di naman kasi ako conyo
21. Name 5 of the coolestHaribon? UP Mountaineers. Wala na akong alam na iba.
22. May frat/soro bang nag-recruit sayo? Meron, pero di ko pinatulan
23. Saan ka madalas mag-lunch? Casaa, IB Lobby (where we eat food from Casaa), Green House, Beach House, McDo
24. Masaya ba sa UP? YES!
25. Nakasama ka na ba sa rally? Yup
26. Ilang beses ka bumoto sa StudentCouncil? Di yata ako bumoto
27. Name at least 5 leftist groups in UP: Gabriela, LFS
28. Pinangarap mo rin bang mag-laude nung freshman ka? Yup
29. Kanino ka pinaka-patay sa UP? Sa Physics prof ko
30. Kung di ka UP, anong school ka? Ateneo

Happy Centennial everyone!!! :)MABUHAY ANG ISKOLØLAR NG BAYAN!!!

taking off

2008-01-13T20:17:00.000+10:00

I'm not yet 100% healthy (who is?) but I'm getting antsy with so much free time at hand. I want to get out of the house, but not necessarily go back to work. I've been doing too much thinking, analyzing and planning in the past few days regarding my life. It's time to put those plans into action, or at least do something productive while waiting for those plans to hatch.

So, I'm going back to work tomorrow. While I'm not too crazy about going back, I do want to see how things have changed in my absence. Besides, I may only have a couple of weeks left before I leave this job and head out for greener pastures, literally and figuratively. I've decided that I'm getting out of my comfort zone, with hopes of learning more, getting more experience and, most importantly EARNING more. Maybe this will come at the expense of my stepping down from a pedestal I worked so hard to be on, and maybe I will have to adapt to being a second-class citizen, but for the moment, I'm willing to swallow these bitter pills just so I'll be cut free from the system I've become tired of.

I didn't make this decision during my 10-day sabbatical; I've been mulling over this since I passed the boards in 2006. It was only during the past several days that I've come to finalize this decision and really decided to push through with this. I've got to make something happen, I don't want to get stuck in this rut I'm in right now. The decision scares the hell out of me, but so does the thought of me doing what I'm doing now for the rest of my life. I may crash and burn in the process, but I know before I do that I have to take off first. I can always go back to my comfortable rut if I do crash and burn.

under the weather

2008-01-07T13:30:00.000+10:00

I can't believe it's been MONTHS since my last post...OCTOBER???!!! What in the world happened to November and December?

Thinking back, those two months seem nothing more than a hazy memory. Especially November. I remember starting the month with work-packed days, and beyond that I can't really remember how it went. Usually, I live my life one day at a time, which suits me just fine. My work is notoriously unforgiving when it comes to time and schedules, and I've learned to be flexible when it comes to adjusting the scheds. Although I have entries on my planner and PDA, I don't strictly follow them...they are all tentative and subject to last minute changes.

So now, thinking back, I can't remember how I lived November. My memory of December is somewhat clearer, but still foggy nonetheless. I think I must have spent most of the days of November working, then doing some Christmas shopping on some free days, though I highly suspect I spent most of my free time sleeping. Come December, I was already meeting friends for Christmas parties, lunches and dinner as early as the first week. And I know I didn't lighten up my work load until the last week and a half of the year, so I probably was alternating between working and partying.

And now, on the first week of the new year, my body's screaming at me to slow it down a bit. It started with some sniffles, then my throat because itchy, then sore and I got the full blast of the microbes' attack on my duty last Thursday. I don't know how I made it through. I was wearing a mask because I was barking like a dog, I had congested sinuses, my body was aching all over and by the last quarter of my 24-hour shift, I was feeling eerily cold. I was feverish, groggy and on the verge of collapsing when I finally made it to my bed. I slept fitfully for about 24 hours, and when I regained consciousness, it was already Saturday.

So, I here I am, forced to shift to lower gears and take it slow. I'm still coughing and sniffling, but at least I'm no longer feverish and I no longer feel as if my throat's ripping up whenever I cough. I'm not due to go back to work until a week from now. I've caught up with my overdues (including sleep debt) and now have time to think. When I start over-thinking, I'll go back to getting busy again.

randomness

2008-01-07T11:20:00.000+10:00

Got this from a Friendster bulletin, and since I've got plenty of time to waste away, I decided to post it here...

If I looked in your bag, what would I find?
• my wallet, a lipstick and some coins.

Do you go to the bathroom with the door open or closed?
• It depends on where the bathroom is

Sleep on your back or stomach?
• Neither. I usually sleep sideways.

What would I find if I looked under your bed?
• A pair or two (or sometimes more) of slippers and shoes. And lots of dog hair.

Something that happened today that has made you mad?
• So far, I'm feeling pretty zen. Just a bit irritated at this cough I have.

What were you doing before this survey?
• Answering quizzes at Facebook.

What will you do after this survey?
• Answer more quizzes.

Why do you like the person you like?
• Usually, I don't know. Often I like a person just because.

When you shut off your alarm clock, do you tend to fall back asleep?
• Yup. I can't get up the moment I wake up, so I always hit snooze several times. Emphasis on several.

If you were given the chance to take care of a monkey for a weekend, would you?
• No

What is the current annoyance?
• My damn cough

When will you turn 50?
• I'm too young to think about that.

Where do you wish you were right now?
• Some isolated beach with clear water, fine sand and no shark/jelly fish threats

What song are you currently listening to?
• Silence

Have you ever passed out from drinking?
• Not really, but I've gotten pretty close to doing that. I always puke and get these terrible stomach aches whenever I've drunk too much, and these keep me awake.

What time did you wake up this morning?
• 10

What makes you laugh?
• stupid dogs

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
• Irene, I think, a couple of days ago. I can't talk much lately because of this damn cough.

What is the WORST subject they teach in school?
• I really hate values ed.

favorite movie?
• LOTR, Harry Potter, StarWars, Indiana Jones

What happened when you woke up this morning?
-- I had coffee

Is someone on your mind right now?
• Not really. I'm thinking of what I'll do after this survey

Can you say the alphabet backwards?
• Nope, and I don't think it's worth the effort

What color is your toothbrush?
• Yellow, white and blue

Do you like the beach?
• Yup, as long as the water's warm and clear. I don't like it when I can't see my toes under water

Can you whistle?
• Yup, but not in tune

The Stella Awards

2007-10-16T13:40:00.000+10:00

I got this from an email sent by my mother. It was so stupid I just had to spread it...

For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right?

That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S . You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.

Here are the Stella's for the past year:

7TH PLACE:
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

6TH PLACE:
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

5TH PLACE:
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT, days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish.

4TH PLACE:
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

3RD PLACE:
Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

2ND PLACE:
Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses.

1ST PLACE:
This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down, $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

2007-08-13T14:20:00.000+10:00

Your 1996 Theme Song Is: 1979 by The Smashing Pumpkins

Shakedown 1979
Cool kids never have the time
On a live wire right up off the street
You and I should meet
June bug skipping like a stone
With the headlights pointed at the dawn
We were sure we'd never see an end to it all

And I don't even care to shake these zipper blues
And we don't know just where our bones will rest
To dust I guess
Forgotten and absorbed into the earth below

Double cross the vacant and the bored
They're not sure just what we have in store
Morphine city slippin' dues, down to see that

We don't even care, as restless as we are
We feel the pull in the land of a thousand guilts

And poured cement, lamented and assured
To the lights and towns below
Faster than the speed of sound
Faster than we thought we'd go, beneath the sound of hope

Justine never knew the rules
Hung down with the freaks and the ghouls
No apologies ever need be made
I know you better than you fake it, to see

And we don't even care to shake these zipper blues
And we don't know just where our bones will rest
To dust I guess
Forgotten and absorbed into the earth below

The street heats the urgency of sound
As you can see there's no one around

What's Your 1996 Theme Song?

harry potter

2007-07-30T20:56:00.000+10:00

I have just recently finished reading the seventh and last book of the Harry Potter series. I know now how the tale ends. There was a note of finality in the end, and, like the author JK Rowling, I felt as if I’m in bereavement.

I was introduced to Harry Potter and his world about six years ago, and at that time, I had been going through major life changes similar to what Harry and his friends were experiencing. Although a Muggle through and through, I could totally relate to most of what they are undergoing. I was living away from home for the first time in my life, and there was plenty of self-discovery that I had to deal with. Like Harry, I had no choice but to take these as they come, for whether I liked it or not, that was reality.

However, those common grounds were not the reason why I got hooked with the books. At my end, the world often seems dull and depressing. I had been born into the age of technology, so technological magic has lost its charm on me. I found in the books a wonderful new world, one which only exists in dreams and stories. It was a joy to journey with Harry as he explores this world that had been hidden from him since his birth. Most of the time, I couldn’t help but wish that I would have the same epiphany.

Rowling’s creativity also astounded me. Many times I couldn’t fathom how such an individual can come up with these; sometimes, I believed that this world actually existed beyond her head and that she was merely passing it off as fiction. How else would she come up with whomping willows, animagi and priori incantatem if she hadn’t in fact had known about these in the first place? But then again, I might just be underestimating her creative juices.

So I devoured book after book after book. It was terribly frustrating to wait for the fifth book, because the stories just get better and better with each succeeding book. I had grown to love all the characters, Hogwarts, Diagon Alley, the Burrow, Hogsmeade and even the house at #4 Privet Drive. In my impatience, I even resorted to reading fan fiction to quench my thirst.

So now, the tale of Harry Potter comes to an end. Still, I’m hopeful that more books and movies will come, sort of what happened to Starwars and the Vampire Chronicles. I was glad that Rowling left some bit of a chance that she might one day write about that world again.

In the meantime, I’m going into mourning. Not because of how the story ends, but because the end for the series had come. I’ve got to be contended for now to continue my mundane Muggle existence. Who knows, maybe one day, amidst this dull and depressing reality, I’ll discover my own magic. I’ll always be hopeful for that owl mail, even if it comes several years late.

in sickness and in health

2007-07-20T23:23:00.000+10:00

A few years back, I learned just how difficult it is to assume full responsibility for a living thing. I realized it how it is to have someone fully dependent on you to provide her with her basic needs.

For as long as I remember, I've never been without a pet dog. Since before I was born, there has always been a dog or two in the house. I see pictures in old photo albums of my dad's dog who came into this house before I did. My earliest recollection of a pet dog is Tagpi, a mongrel given to the family by our the fruitvendor who lived and tended a store near my grandmother's place. Tagpi was free to run around the grounds, and even on the streets near our house (there was no dog pound jeep roving around then). So it wasn't really surprising that she delivered several litters of puppies in her lifetime.

One of her puppies became my first pet dog, whom I named Dollar, after Richie Rich's dog (I was a great fan of the cartoons then). Although I claimed ownership over Dollar, she was actually the family dog, because I was too young then to handle the responsibilities of taking care of her. All I ever did was play with her.

Fast forward a couple of years. A stray gave birth to a litter on the vacant lot in front of our house. There were four puppies, and because there was no pound yet, soon the puppies were roaming the street. Two neighbors adopted a puppy each, and because our gate has wide spaces between railings, the two last puppies learned to get in and out of our yard. So we ended up adopting them. I named one Shortie (because she has short hair) and the other one Shep (I have no idea where I got this name). When Shortie was older, she was then sent to my grandmother in Nueva Ecija, who then has only one old dog with her.

As askals go, Shep, like Tagpi and Dollar before her, delivered several puppies in her lifetime. The last litter was composed of two puppies only, and we decided that both of them should be sent to Nueva Ecija (Shortie has already died). Before they were old enough to travel, though, Attila, the more playful one, gave us a slip and was run over by a car. Boyo was left with us, but we still had plans to send her away once she was old enough to take the trip.

Unfortunately, or rather, fortunately, Boyo got sick when she was only a little over 2 months old. The vet's prognosis was not promising, and we were instructed to force feed her every hour until she starts eating on her own again. So that was exactly what I did for I don't know how long. That was my first time I really came to terms with just how much responsibility is involved with choosing to have a pet.

Boyo recovered, and because we had bonded during her sickness, the plans for her future changed. She had to stay. But I had to tend to her needs on my own. I was in college then, so I should be mature enough to be able to take care of a dog on my own. This was exactly what I did, but I still had to ask for help doing so when I had to leave home for med school.

Now that I'm back at home, the tasks were handed back to me. Boyo's now older, toilet-trained and more or less a low maintenance dog. Recently though, she got herself so attractive to ticks. The infestation was so great that she was visibly weakened by the blood loss, and she was scratching so badly that she managed to give herself a bloody wound at the back of her left ear. The tick problem was solved by more frequent bathings and more generous applications of medicated talc, but the healing wound was itchy and she kept on scratching it raw.

The vet said an E-collar (Elizabeth collar, named after Queen Elizabeth I of England, who used to wear similar collars) should prevent her from scratching her wound. I bought one and an antibacterial cream as well. Boyo did not like the collar (for obvious reasons...that's her picture at the start of this entry) but had no choice but to wear it. The collar and the cream were ridiculously expensive, and it really seemed uncomfortable. When her wound was being cleaned, the antiseptics and the cream were clearly stinging her. Still, Boyo had to endure it all to save her ear.

During this time, I was reminded that of the responsibility that comes with having a dog. In healthy times, having a dog is a blast. However, neglect to look after her led to this problem, so it was not only me that had to suffer...she suffered more because of my irresponsibility. I felt really guilty.

Boyo's healthy again, her ear wound is healed and she's becoming as active as she used to be before the tick attack. I hope I never overlook any of her needs again. By choosing to be her human and the recipient of her unwavering love and loyalty, I also chose to assume over the responsibility of providing her with her needs. I hope fellow pet owners know this and never forget it. I promise I'll never again need to be reminded of it.

2007-07-19T16:05:00.001+10:00

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion:

You have medium extroversion.
You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party.
Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences.
But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time."

Conscientiousness:

You have low conscientiousness.
Impulsive and off the wall, you don't take life too seriously.
Unfortunately, you sometimes end up regretting your snap decisions.
Overall, you tend to lack focus, and it's difficult for you to get important things done.

Agreeableness:

You have medium agreeableness.
You're generally a friendly and trusting person.
But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism.
You get along well with others, as long as they play fair.

Neuroticism:

You have low neuroticism.
You are very emotionally stable and mentally together.
Only the greatest setbacks upset you, and you bounce back quickly.
Overall, you are typically calm and relaxed - making others feel secure.

Openness to experience:

Your openness to new experiences is medium.
You are generally broad minded when it come to new things.
But if something crosses a moral line, there's no way you'll approve of it.
You are suspicious of anything too wacky, though you do still consider creativity a virtue.

The Five Factor Personality Test

english speaking country

2007-07-19T15:55:00.000+10:00

You Belong in the UK

Blimey!
A little proper, a little saucy.
You're so witty and charming...
No one notices your curry breath

What English Speaking Country Are You?

what my latte says about me

2007-07-15T17:03:00.001+10:00

What Your Latte Says About You

You are very decadent in all aspects of your life. You never scale back, and you always live large.

You can be quite silly at times, but you know when to buckle down and be serious.

You have a good deal of energy, but you pace yourself. You never burn out too fast.

You're addicted to caffeine. There's no denying it.

You are a child at heart, and you don't ever miss the opportunity to do something playful.

You are complex and philosophical, but you are never arrogant.

What Does Your Latte Say About You?

what my bathroom habits say about me

2007-07-15T16:59:00.001+10:00

What Your Bathroom Habits Say About You

You are very independent and self-centered. You don't solve other people's problems - and you don't expect them to solve yours.

You spend a lot on clothes, and you tend to be a very dresser. However, it's hard for you to throw away trendy clothes when they go out of style.

You have the perfect blend of confidence and class. You're proud of who you are - but you don't broadcast it.

In relationships, you are practical and realistic. You have a romantic side, but you only let it out when it's appropriate.

What Do Your Bathroom Habits Say About You?

10 years

2007-07-15T16:05:00.000+10:00

10 years ago, it was July 1997...

1. How old are you? 17
2. Where did you go to school? University of the Philippines, Diliman. It's my freshman year and I was still adjusting to college life.
3. Where did you work? Didn't work yet.
4. Where did you live? Marikina City, Philippines
5. Where did you hang out? NIGS (I was in the geology block, so their home became my home), the closest mall: SM North (going to the movies every chance we get)
6. Did you wear glasses? Only at home. When I go out, I put on contact lenses. Clear contact lenses.
7. Who was your best friend? I didn't know anyone in school good enough to call him/her my best friend.
8. How many tatoos did you have?None.
9. How many piercing did you have?Three. One on my right earlobe, 2 on the left.
10. What car did you drive? Didn't have a license then.
11. Have you been to a real party yet? Yes
12. Had your heart broken? No

FIVE YEARS AGO...It was JULY 2002

1. How old were you? 22
2. Where did you go to school? Pamantasan ng Lungsod ng Maynila. I was on my second year of med school.
3. Where did you work? Still unemployed.
4. Where did you live? Nakpil Street, Malate, Manila
5. Where did you hang out? Thank God for coffee shops! Starbucks in Robinson's Ermita, Adriatico, UN; Cinnzeo and San Francisco Coffee in Robinson's Ermita
6. Who was your best friend? Che
7. Who was your regular-person crush? I forgot his name
8. How many piercing did you have? 3
9. How many tatoos did you have? None
10. What car did you drive? My parents' car at home, but in Manila, I take public transportation.
11. Had you had your heart broken? Yes.

Now...it is JULY 2007

1. How old are you? 27
2. Where do you work? In various hospitals in Marikina as a moonlighter
3. Where do you live? I moved back home with my parents.
4. Do you wear glasses? Yes, but only when I'm at home. I still prefer contacts when I go out, but now I use colored contacts.
5. Where do you hang out? At home, Starbucks Marquinton, Mocha Blends in the Shell Station in Marcos Highway
6. Who are your best friends? Che pa din, Angge, Yaya, Irene
7. Do you talk to your old friends? Through email. The person I've been friends with the longest are now abroad, but we still see each other when they visit the country.
8. How many piercing do you have?Still 2.
9. How many tatoos? None
10. What kind of car do you drive? A sedan, my parents' car.
11. Has your heart been broken? Yes.

exploratory bag-otomy

2007-07-09T20:56:00.000+10:00

I learned from my friend Hazel's blog that the content's of a person's satchel tells a lot about his/her personality...so I thought I'd give it a shot.

I'm currently using a big (as in BIG) bag that I got from a recent conference. I use this bag when I go on duty because I love roomy bags...saves me the hassle of having to make my things as small as possible.

So what does my bag contain? Read on...

1. My kikay kit (cosmetic case), which contains a pressed powder, eyelash curler, water-proof mascara, liquid blush, powder foundation, eyeliner, and eyebrow/lash comb/brush.

2. Another kit for my toiletries: shampoo, liquid soap, hairbrush, toothbrush, toothpaste, lotion, nailcutter

3. My lipstick holder: it has a mirror and can hold 2 lipsticks at a time.

4. Change of clothes: 2 scrub tops, disposable underwear, 1 scrub pants

5. A pair of rubber slippers

6. A sarong

7. A handtowel

8. My contact lenses kit: solution and case

9. My eyeglasses

10. Body spray

11. Several pens

12. A penlight

13. My keys

14. My stethoscope

15. Blank prescription pads

16. My PDA

17. Cellphone charger

18. Hair clamp

19. Tissue

20. Wallet

21. Coin purse

22. Trodat

23. Sachets of instant coffee and creamer

24. My Starbucks tumbler

25. Water bottle

Now, what does that tell about my personality?

movie vs actor/actress

2007-06-28T20:44:00.000+10:00

The first movie that comes into mind...

Jennifer Aniston = Along Came Polly
Ben Affleck = Daredevil
Drew Barrymore = Music and Lyrics
Orlando Bloom = The Lord of the Rings
Halle Berry = Xmen
Nicolas Cage = City of Angels
Sandra Bullock = Miss Congeniality
Jackie Chan = Shanghai Noon
Cameron Diaz = Charlie's Angels
Johnny Depp = Pirates of the Carribean
Kirsten Dunst = Interview with the Vampire
Leonardo DiCaprio = Romeo and Juliet
Angelina Jolie = Tomb Raider
Richard Gere = Pretty Woman
Nicole Kidman = Far and Away
Mel Gibson = Lethal Weapon
Diane Lane = none
Hugh Grant = Music and Lyrics
Lindsay Lohan = Herbie
Tom Hanks = Forrest Gump
Jennifer Lopez = Maid in Manhattan
Ewan McGregor = StarWars
Rachel McAdams = The Wedding Crashers
Dermot Mulroney = My Bestfriend's Wedding
Julia Roberts = Pretty Woman
Brad Pitt = Troy
Meg Ryan = Sleepless in Seattle

quick draws

2007-06-18T02:08:00.000+10:00

Got this from the bulletin...and because I have an hour or so to while away, pinatulan ko...
1. Beer: San Mig Light
2. Food: pizza
3. Relationships: complicated
4. Your crush: MIA (as in Missing In Action)
5. Power Rangers: baduy
6. Life: slipping through my fingers like sand
7. Novel: ReGeneration (a book I'm reading)
8. Songs: Best of Roxette (playing on the media player right now)
9. The President: nakakainis na nakakaawa
10. Yummy: Racks' baby back ribs
11. Cars: Ferrari! Ferrari! Ferrari!
12. Movie: 300 (just watched the DVD)
13. Halloween: vampires and witches
14. Sex: Grey's anatomy
15. Religion: sensitive topic
16. Myspace: I like Friendster better
17. Fear: getting stuck in this rut forever
18. Marriage: both over and underrated
19. Blondes: dumb
20. Slippers: flip-flops
21. Shoes: I want a new pair
22. Asians: ako to!
23. Past time: wasting time
24. One night stands: are complicated
25. Cell Phone: maybe I should turn it off
26. iPod: mp3
27. Smoke: de-stressing
28. Wish: I could retire now and enjoy my earnings
29. College: UP bio
30. Highschool Life: boring
31. Pajamas: don't wear those
32. Stars: silent
33. Fitness: something I got to start working on
34. Alcohol: beer, vodka, tequilla
35. The word LOVE: overrated
36. Friends: wingman
37. Money: really does talk
38. Heartache: something I can do without
39. Time: is going too fast
40. Divorce: complicated
41. Dogs: my babies
42. Undies: black
43. Parents: sometimes I understand them, sometimes I don't
44. Babies: noisy, messy little humans
45. Stripper: courageous
46. Blogs: ramblings
47. News: too sensational
48. Weddings: Yaya and Jim!
49. Pizza: want some right now
50. Kleenex: for crying

mortality

2007-05-26T20:00:00.000+10:00

Certain events recently gave me a rude reminder of my mortality. Although I never contended that I am immortal, I've been living as though I am. I fit into the psych profile for my age group: individuals at this stage in life just feel invincible. I know I could die at any moment, but I thought the chances of that actually happening is about as high as the chances of me winning the lottery.

I guess it's because I'm at my physical peak. After all, how many people do you know died at my age? We expect, my contemporaries and I, and we are expected to have several more decades of life ahead of us.

And so we go through each day as though we're going to live forever. We take unnecessary risks, arrogantly taunting the powers in the world. We tend to be complacent and lazy, always thinking we have all the time in the world to pursue our dreams, right our wrongs and make our mark in this world.

The painful truth is, being young and at your peak doesn't make dying any less real. It can actually happen, even when you're in perfect health and when you're always in a safe place. That's the harsh reality. I am as vulnerable to death as any other human being. It can happen in a snap, or it may take a while, but dying is not impossible.

Like it or not, I'm not going to live forever. And what scares me is I don't think I've lived my life in such a way that I could die at any moment and be at peace with it. There's much unfinished business. It took a great jolt for me to realize that today may be all the time I have.

food trip

2007-03-25T19:51:00.000+10:00

Since the start of this month, I’ve been doing something I really enjoy, no, make that LOVE doing. I’ve been food tripping.

Tita Cora, who’s from Australia, came back to the Philippines for a month-long vacation. Since her arrival, we’ve been to different places: sight-seeing, shopping and food-tripping. I haven’t actually tried any new food lately, but I’ve realized that the company of the people you eat with, the ambience and the presentation of the dishes can do wonders to make ordinary food not so mundane.

The food tripping started with the good old Australian steak. Now, for a carnivore like me, this is a piece of heaven on earth. Tita always makes it a point to bring home several kilos of steak, and right away, we sampled what she brought. There’s nothing special with how we cook it…we just grill some slabs of the meat and then eat it without gravy or any spices. Just a bit of salt, and some mashed potatoes. I can easily consume two big slices of steak. Heaven.

Then we took her to Tiendesitas for some shopping, and we also brought along Tita Laura, who brought her “baby” Bud to his grooming place. While Bud the Shih Tzu was being bathed and groomed, we sat down for merienda. As usual, we each had a cup of the rich thick native chocolate drink: tsokolate-eh. They ate suman, bibingka and puto bumbong, while I had some Ilocos empanada. We finished off with some fresh suha, so sweet that even a carnivore like me couldn’t stop eating it.

On her first weekend here, we went to Villa Escudero in Quezon. We first went to the museum there, then took a carabao-pulled ride to the recreation area, where we made ourselves hungry by rafting on the lake. Lunch was at the falls, where we ate with our feet submerged in the water. The food wasn’t spectacular: liempo, inihaw na tilapia, lechon manok, plain rice and camote-cue. Still, eating in a place like that made all the difference.

The next major eating trip was in Puerto Galera. Again, there was nothing special about the food; this time, the beach atmosphere made us enjoy the meal. After two days at the beach eating grilled fish, kebabs, liempo and green mangoes, we went home satisfied, munching on panutsas.

We then went to Taal, Batangas, where I bought a kilo of kapeng barako. Tita Lilia, Tita Asi and Lolo Dodong came with us. We had lunch in Silang, Cavite, where we had a sumptuous meal of sizzling bulalo, kare-kare and fried bangus. That was a really good meal, made more fun with the endless chatter. After lunch, Tita Lilia took us to this quaint coffee shop in Tagaytay, where we each had a mug of really good coffee and some really good pies. Before going home, we stopped by the Good Shepherd Convent, where we bought some pasalubong: buko pie, ube jam and ube dimples. These we enjoyed eating at home.

One Saturday, I took them to this breakfast buffet in Eastwood, where we feasted on daing na bangus, adobo, longganisa, tocino, scrambled eggs, pancakes, cheesedogs and palitaw. Mother even had a bowl of lugaw. We were so full that our next meal for that day was dinner; since we all were quite hungry then, we had a meal of lechon baboy.

Today we had lunch in the boodle place in Market! Market! It was really great. We had java rice, liempo, grilled squid, grilled tilapia, laing (something I didn’t eat), chicken-scratch shells and crab (served with Singaporean chili). Busog nanaman.

In between the trips, we were also eating really good pinoy snacks: suman and kalamay from Antipolo, orange puto with cheese (Marikina’s specialty), tikoy, Eng Bee Tin and Polland hopia, and various Australian goodies that Tita brought. So I can really say I haven’t felt hunger for the past month. I’ve gained two pounds in the process, but the Kodak moments made it all worth it.

major life changes

2007-02-12T13:17:00.000+10:00

I’ve given this much thought, and I’ve been planning to write this for the longest time, but somehow, I kept postponing it. Not that I’ve been really busy…I just haven’t been in the mood to sit down and write. I’m not the most patient person in the world and I’m pretty OC when it comes to writing (my Virgo self emerges) so it really does take much effort for me to compose something as simple as a blog entry.

Anyway, I write now because I don’t want to have too much backlog. Sometime ago I vowed I’d post an entry at least once a month, because I have this illusion (delusion perhaps?) that maybe someday, I’d be someone important and people would want to know about my life, and I thought it’d be best to learn about it first-hand from my blog/journal entries (okay, so it IS a delusion). Anyway, I used to find writing some sort of a therapy, and I guess sometimes I still do, but lately, I’ve gotten too lazy and felt that I don’t need any sort of therapy at all (so now I’m in denial, too). But then the major life changes came one after the other…

First off the bat is my friend Angge becoming a mom. A few days ago, she gave birth to her firstborn, a baby girl whom she and husband Biboy named Bea Dorothy. Even if I had seen Angge several times during her pregnancy, it hadn’t seem real until she finally gave birth. Now this is more of a major life change for Angge than me, but still, hearing the news that she had given birth gave a jolt to me. I’ve known her to be one of the most carefree individuals I’ve met, with a bit of a rebellious nature. How is she now that she’s a mom? Will she morph into those mother-hen types who talk about nothing but their kids whenever you try to start a decent conversation with them? What about gimmicks? Angge’s also one of the hard-core gimikeras I know, a girl who seems to have been born with an insatiable thirst for having a good time. Will having a baby transform her into a homebody? Only time will tell. For now, all I’m sure of is that I admire Angge for taking that big step into adulthood (the ultimate step, I think) and gamely taking on the responsibilities and sacrifices that came with it. It makes me wonder when I’ll be ready to do that…

Other changes involve decisions of my friends…Che had decided to “migrate” to the wild wild north, as a doctor to the barrios. Marriage is in the air: my childhood friend Janet just recently tied the knot, and Yaya is about to do the same thing. Others opted taking a not so surprising path in their careers, entering residency. Some friends are now breadwinners of their families. The bottomline of this is, all of us, regardless of the changes that took place, are now taking on more responsibility. Finally, our extended adolescence (read: med school) is over and we are now part of the rat race. There’s no denying I get somewhat terrified when I think about this too much.

I’m fortunate that the transition for me is slower and easier. While I could’ve gone straight to full-time practice, I still had obligations to my old school and I had decided to finish these now so that I’ll be officially released. This gave me an excuse not to work full time right away. In addition, I’m starting to feel the fruits of my long years in med school, because even if I go to work only once a week (officially), I still earn enough to satisfy my basic needs, and give some to my parents (well, I’ve been blessed with parents who still do not require me to support them…in fact, the main reason I have more than enough is that I’m basically still a free-loader at home). Certainly not bad for someone who spends more time in front of the TV than in the hospital. Still, the fact is that the day that I really become independent (and with that comes having dependents) is looming closer and there’s nothing I can do to escape it. Such an idea is overwhelming for someone who’s biggest responsibility in life is taking care of a low-maintenance dog.

Well, all these just boils down to one thing…we are getting older. And supposedly more mature. Which brings me face to face with another one of my fears: getting older. I think I have what has been called the Peter Pan Syndrome, although I don’t really want to be a child forever, I just don’t want to grow up (hmm, maybe that’s why I’m stuck at this height). Nonetheless, this is something I can’t run away from, because I’m not the type to shun responsibility; I have been raised to take on the responsibilities that come my way. So, the process may be slow, but one day I’ll get there, one day I’ll be able to stand on my own. Like it or not.

road rage

2006-11-14T22:07:00.000+10:00

I've heard of the Road Rage Phenomenon way before I started driving. Back then, I dismissed this as an exaggeration, because I couldn't fathom how normally sane people could turn into rage monsters once seated in the driver's seat of a vehicle.

I still didn't believe in it when I first started driving. Maybe it was because at first, I wasn't confident of my driving skills. I was too busy worrying about changing gears without stalling, breaking too early (or too late), swerving and making right turns without the rear wheel getting onto the sidewalk. I didn't mind other cars cutting in front of me, or being overtaken. All I was concerned about was to drive the car smoothly.

Eventually, I got the hang of driving. I can easily shift gears smoothly, with perfect timing. Sidewalks and right turns are no longer as worrisome as when I first started. I was the one overtaking now...and I finally believed in the existence of road rage.

Imagine this scenario: you're at an intersection, and you're waiting patiently for the green light. You stopped your car right before the pedestrian lane, to allow the pedestrians to cross while the light is red. Then, from behind, a motorcycle or a tricycle zooms in front of you, stopping on the pedestrian lane. As is customary to these drivers, while waiting, they switch off their engines. Then after a while the light finally turns green. You're more than ready to go, but your way is blocked by a tricycle or a motorcycle failing to start. You can honk your heart out, but unless the engine kicks, there's no way you could move forward. This is when road rage engulfs me, because I was first on line, I waited patiently for my turn and I stopped at the right place, just before the pedestrian lane. But in doing so, I left a space for motorcycles and tricycles to cut in, which is exactly what usually happens. It is so damn irritating.

Public utility vehicles swerving lanes and loading/unloading passengers everywhere also ignite the rage. Pedestrians jaywalking and holding up a hand to you (making a stop sign) make me want to run them over. Motorcycles trying to overtake you (even when you're way past the speed limit), blind-siding you, then once in front slowing down and forcing you to slow down as well. Those unskilled bikers who hit your car as they try to overtake you, or who lose their balance and go careening towards you, you who are just minding your own business and not breaking any rule but is nevertheless dragged into this melee because this inept driver had an accident. Buses and trucks bullying you because your automobile's size is just a fraction of theirs. Non-roadworthy vehicles crashing into you because their breaks failed. Non-insured pennyless drivers who couldn't eke out even just a fraction of repair costs of the damage that was due to their recklessness. Now who wouldn't go berserk in these situations?

Usually, I am able to keep my cool, just cursing silently (or loudly if I'm alone). I've heard of gun-weilding drivers who shoot the bane of their rage, and I'm determined not to be a victim of these psychos (nor be one of them!). This may sound sickeningly idealistic, but I'm hoping that someday, the numbers of the irresponsible drivers will dwindle down. Until then, some anger-management and lots of patience will have to keep the monster at bay.

forza schumi

2006-09-27T13:03:00.000+10:00

Michael Schumacher is retiring.

The decision came about a fortnight ago, in the midst of the celebration of a hard-earned home victory. It took a while for the news to really hit me, and an even longer time to really grasp the gravity of his decision. Though I didn’t shed tears like I did when Jordan retired, the sadness there. I didn’t feel my world crumbling, or my heart breaking; what I felt was a deep dull ache, a profound heaviness of being. Like the throb of an old wound that simply refuses to heal, Michael Schumacher’s retirement reminded me of time’s immense power to bring me to my greatest fear: GROWING OLD.

It seemed to me that Michael is bowing gracefully to Time, and wisely recognizing that this is one of the things that we can never defeat. Although Michael by no means is physically hampered by his age, he had recognized and had come to terms that he’s reached the point where he must bow down to time. He knows that his children aren’t growing any slower; the more time he spends away from home, the more of his children’s lives he’ll miss. His allies Jean Todt and Ross Brawn are likewise not immune to time’s power, and I won’t be surprised to find out if they too will call it quits at the end of the season. Some had even gone on to say that Michael’s retirement had been prompted by Jean Todt’s plan to retire.

Michael’s devoted his lifetime to the craft that he now masters, and in the process has broken almost every record there is to break in the sport. He has reached the pinnacle of his career, and there’s nothing more for him to prove. F1 likewise has enjoyed a golden era in the time of Schumacher, beautifully complementing his success with its own. Together, Michael and Formula 1 reached heights neither could have done on his/its own. And I am truly honored to have given the chance to witness this journey.

While it pains me that I will not be able to see him personally race in a scarlet Ferrari Formula 1 car, I respect Michael’s decision to retire, and will not clamor for him to continue driving in F1. Formula 1 will not be the same without Michael, and while there are still drivers left that I will support, I don’t think my passion for the sport will ever be the same.

F1 drivers will come and go, someday, one might actually even surpass and break all of Schumacher's records. But, like Babe Ruth in baseball, Schumacher will forever be a legend in the sport he conquered. Greatness is not measured by how many records you set or break, or how high you've set the bar for others. Legends are made by the passion infused in the strive for excellence, and there is no other man in F1 able to do that as well as Schumacher.

Thanks, Michael, for the memories. You will be missed.

victory

2006-08-18T12:50:00.000+10:00

Yes, victory at last! As Jenson Button basks in the bliss of his first F1 victory, about half a decade after entering the Formula 1 circuit, I am likewise getting drunk with my champagne...nine years after deciding to go down this road. Finally, I know the giddiness of getting the prize I've worked for harder than anything in my life.

This piece isn't about Jenson Button, but I'm sure I'll be echoing much of what he probably felt as he stepped on the top step of the podium. It feels so freakingly damn good!!! All the long days and nights, the blood, sweat and tears and everything I gave up for this seem worth it. If getting here had been a tad easier, I don't think the victory would've been as sweet.

It was a rough road, and I've put in so much in this. Still, I am humbled by the power of faith. It was the one thing that kept me going, especially during those times when all I seem to be doing during the exams was try to guess the right answers. I relied heavily on my instincts, because honestly, I didn't know the answer to majority of the questions. Somehow, I found strength I didn't know I have to stay calm and keep my presence of mind despite the threatening attack of overwhelming panic as I encounter item after item of difficult (and sometimes alien) questions. How I did it, I can't honestly say. All I know is that faith that God will see me through whatever He puts me to kept me going.

I was scared shitless after the exams, because I only have gut feel to rely on. Gut feel that I'll make it and that it's in God's will that I pass this time. Still, as time ticks, doubts become increasingly determined to creep in my consciousness and I could feel my confidence ebbing...but still clinging on stubbornly to faith.

And then hearing my friends one by one congratulate me, after almost being certain that I flunked...hell, I was freaking out!!! I can't even remember how I dealt with it (but I'm quite certain I was making enough ruckus to rouse everyone within a 5-mile radius). All I recall is the wonderful drunken feeling of having so much weight lifted off my shoulders, of having the curtain of uncertainty finally revealing a bright tomorrow. And realizing that I did not let my parents down.

Am I making sense? I can hardly stay put, much more try to make coherence of my indescribable emotions. I'm just trying to do this because I want to document this, to be able to sort of immortalize it. I don't know if and when I'll feel this kind of glee again, and I want to capture it as best as I could. I want to be able to read it in the future and recapture this bliss. I want to be able to draw from this memory during the many eleventh hours I'll face, because I know that in those trying moments, I'll need every bit of help I can to continue keeping the faith.

Meantime, cheers!!!

unwell

2006-06-27T02:51:00.000+10:00

It’s getting nearer, closing up on me much quicker than I had anticipated. It seems like it was only yesterday when I felt that I have more than adequate time to prepare for it. I was apprehensive, but quite confident I’ll be able to pull this through. Now, all I can say is that I am apprehensive.

The boards this year will be on the first 2 weeks of August. The date is fast approaching, and June seemed to have flown so fast. Did somebody just pressed the fast-forward button? How come it’s already the last week of June? Now I can’t seem to stop counting the days, hours and minutes I have left to study. The pressure is getting to me, something I usually welcome. In the past, I’ve been pushed to exert much more effort and accomplish more in less time when I feel the shove of pressure. I’m banking on this again, as I shift into a higher gear to propel on at a greater speed.

I was caught unawares. Just as unpredictable as it is with engines and electronics, when the misfortune of something that has been working splendidly suddenly sputters and threatens to conk out. I was aiming for a higher gear, but I seemed to have latched on a lower one. While I was all set to go faster, something gave and forced me to slow down. And I can’t figure out for the life of me what happened. All I know is that something in me refused the shift and now I’m lumbering on like a car with mechanical problems. The driver in me wants to pick up the pace, but I’m getting held back. By what, I don’t know. I don’t have the vaguest clue and it’s scaring me.

In the past several days, I have been unable to make myself sit still and concentrate. My brain is like a virus-infected computer, with entered data mysteriously disappearing without a trace. I’m feeling healthy, alert and driven; the hardware is functioning just fine. Or is it?

A burn out? Probably. Or maybe this is just me cracking under pressure.

confessions

2006-06-27T02:47:00.000+10:00

Father, forgive me for I have sinned. My last confession was...I can't remember when my last confession was.

Bad, very bad. I used to go to confession regularly, but that was because I spent half of my life in a Catholic school. We were made to go to confessions regularly, and there were even times when I have no sin to confess because there hadn't been enough time in between confessions for me to commit a sin. But that was another lifetime.

Why haven't I gone to confession for so long? This will sound arrogant, but it's the honest answer to the question. I haven't gone to confession because I do not feel sorry for the sins I have committed. I don't have that genuine contrition that would make the sacrament work. So, I have postponed my date with the priest until I feel this true sorrow for my sins.

Aren't I scared of dying while I'm not in a state of grace? I should be, but honestly, I'm not, really. Maybe it's because I'm in this age, the age when a person feels that he/she is an immortal. I know there are a thousand and one ways a person my age could die, but at the moment, I don't feel threatened at all. I do feel that I am immortal. Hence, I'm not so scared of dying right now, because the odds are a little better at the living end.

Another reason I'm not scared is because I truly believe that God is good. I believe He throws punishment for our sins during our stay on Earth so that we may learn from our sins while we still have life. I believe that is how good He is.

So, for now, I'll stay away from the confessional. I don't want to receive the sacrament of reconciliation with fake sincerity and contrition, because I think that's just as bad as not going. I'll confess when I truly feel the sorrow and regret for my wrongs. Meantime, I'll try to avoid sin, because the crappy luck I've been having is due to my past sins, I think. Or maybe it's just my guilt talking to me.

God, I hope You're not reading this.

written on 15 April 2006

exodus

2006-06-27T02:39:00.000+10:00

"If you have a heart that cares for your native land, you will find a way to make a difference even if you are far away. And, perhaps, on the other hand, if you do not have a heart, you will not make a difference even if you stay." -- Fr. Bienvenido Nebres, SJ

Long ago, I was determined to be a doctor for the Filipino, in the Philippines. I felt that I had to give back something to society as a doctor, because my pre-med and med proper tuitions were both subsidized by Filipino tax payers. My opinion regarding migrating doctors was not very good, to put it bluntly. I told myself I won't join this exodus.

But, oh, how things have changed. Ask me now what I'll do after getting my license and without missing a beat, I'll tell you that I'm going abroad for residency. A change of plan, but not a change of heart. At least, that's what I tell myself. I'm convinced at this point that I've been bitten by the Practicality Bug, and that's why I'm more inclined than ever to leave the minute I can. I don't think the situation's changed much; the hard life in the Philippines is not any harder than it was years ago. What has changed is how I see things.

While I still feel that need to give something back to the people who paid for my tuition, I now feel an even greater need to give back something for the people who were directly affected by my choice to go into medicine. Namely my family. My parents still could not afford to retire, because although my tuition is cheap, I still have no salary, not even an allowance, and someone had to work so that there'll be money for food, the bills and the expenses of making it through med school. They've given up so much for my dream, and to give them a comfortable life is the least I can do for all their sacrifices for me. With the current health care situation here, how could I afford this? A doctor's salary in the Philippines is hardly enough to cover his living expenses. In addition, the hours I have to spend at the hospital will leave me no time to spend with my family. They won't be seeing much of me (at least much of me awake), so it's almost as if I am not really here anyway. So I figured the best way to help them and myself is to try my luck in a foreign land.

Selfish, you might say. And maybe I'll agree with you. But I can't ignore how selfless these people have been for me. It's high time they get a break, a break long overdue. I'm determined to give this to them, before they become too old to enjoy life. I don't think I'll be able to live with myself serving people I do not know before I take care of those that really matter to me.

In the meantime, I hope my joining the ranks of doctors abandoning the Philippines would serve as a wake up call to the government and move them to action, to make due improvements in the worsening health care situation in the country. I believe in Fr. Nebres' words, not only because it makes my decision easier, but also because of the obvious truth behind it.

Someday I'll come back, this is for sure. Maybe I'll come back fulfilled, or maybe I'll come back feeling ashamed with what I chose to do. But I will come back.

written on 27 Mar 2006

the pressure is on

2006-06-27T02:36:00.000+10:00

I'd be a liar if I say that I'm not a bit nervous about taking the boards. Still months away, I hate to admit it, but I'm already feeling the first pangs of panic. Never have I felt this way before, not even when I took the UPCAT (which to date, is still the single most important test I ever took in my entire life), or any of the final exams in med school. Maybe it's because of the pressure I'm giving myself...but hey, I can't deny it, all my years of studying boil down to this one exam.

Failure is simply not an option. Sure, it doesn't end if I don't pass it on my first take; I still have other chances to take it. But maybe failure to pass it on August will end it for me. I don't know how I'll bring myself back to the land of the living if I learn that I flunked the boards. Knowing myself, I never really dealt with failures very well. In fact, I don't know how to deal with failures, period.

Everyday, I find myself spending more time trying to psych myself to open the books and spend some quality studying time. But when the body and mind are both tired, I use these as excuses to allow myself a couple of hours for some rest and recreation. Then, before I know it, my free time is gone and I have to postpone studying again because I have to report back to the hospital. Time is fast becoming my enemy.

I'm calling all the saints as early as now, promising to be good (which is so damn hard and almost impossible!) just so I'll be in their good graces. I'm nearly close to start to resort to wearing red more often, because they say red attracts the positive energies. I've even started a mantra, so that in time, I'll inculcate it in my mind and even start to really believe it. These all sound crazy, but I bet I'll be doing even crazier things as August looms closer.

I used to perform better under pressure, and when I'm in a state of panic. But never before have I felt this much pressure. I don't know my limits, but I'm hoping that, like before, I'll thrive in this pressure and overcome my underachiever self and attitude and be able to do what it takes to be successful. I just hope this monster won't break me. I don't want to wake up one morning fed up of all this and just walk away from it all, convinced that I won't make it and won't even try to make it.

But I'm more scared of trying, of giving it my all, and still failing.

written on 29 Jan 2006

keeping the blog alive

2006-06-27T02:34:00.001+10:00

It’s been a long while since I decided to try to jot down my thoughts. That’s the way it is for me, usually. I love to write, but when life happens, I simply do not have the patience or sometimes time and energy to try to make a composition. It’s not as if there’s nothing important going on in my life; in fact, I think it’s quite the opposite. Life’s happening too fast for me to document it in a journal. And, as I have said, I’m one person sorely lacking patience.

So, what’s making me sit and make yet another attempt to keep this blog alive? Well, I think it all started with the Starbucks planner that I got sometime before Christmas (after drinking so many cups of coffee). I figured it wouldn’t hurt to stop every now and then to try to organize my thoughts and actually record them, and it sure would be nice to be able to read about past experiences and feelings. I had managed to keep a journal before (probably a decade ago, and even that journal was a short-lived project), and I do enjoy reading my entries. Besides, I like thinking that others enjoy reading what I am writing (hehe).

2005 has been one hell of a year for me. I moved on from clerk to intern, moved back home, earned my medical degree, and found a whole new set of friends and colleagues. My work environment has drastically changed. I’ve had good and bad experiences, which inevitably, somehow changed me. Still, I’d like to think I’m more mature now, but no more jaded.

The new year ushers in new challenges for me, and new hope as well. It terrifies me that some of these challenges will change my life in major ways, whatever their outcome may be. What is more terrifying for me is not the challenges themselves, but the fact that their outcome is decided only by one person: me. I’ve put off having to think about these things for as long as I could, but this doesn’t change the fact that sooner or later I’d have to deal with these. I’d have to make a decision, I’d have to start moving, and I’d have to come up with a plan (and go through with it) to get the results I hope for.

Well, whatever happens, whatever I do or don’t do, I hope I’d learn something from what I experience. And, as part of my plan, I think I’d be more sure of that if I were to stop more often and try to write about what I had just gone through and how I felt about it. At least that way if I don’t learn in the process, I’d still have a chance to learn in retrospect.

written on 2 Jan 2006

never without a choice

2006-06-27T02:29:00.000+10:00

In the aftermath of the Michelin brouhaha, I have received a lot of comments criticizing Ferrari for their stand regarding the construction of a chicane on Turn 13 of the Indianapolis Race circuit. The chicane was requested by the teams using Michelins, because the tire manufacturer declared that they cannot guarantee the safety of the drivers using their products. When I first heard of this, I thought it was simply ludicrous for the teams and Michelin to request for changes that would certainly suit them. What about Bridgestone? They weren’t having any problem during the practice and qualifying sessions. Bridgestone did its homework and managed to provide their teams with tires that could see them safely through the race. Michelin was playing dirty by requesting for adjustments that could make up for their inadequacy.

Ferrari was said to be the only team vehemently saying no to this proposal. Which I think any sane team would do. Why would you squander the advantage you’ve worked so hard for, especially if you’ve been down on your luck for pretty much half of the competition? Tough luck for those who failed to rise to the challenge of the track. It certainly isn’t right to say that the Michelin users had no choice but to pull their cars out of the race. There is no such thing as not having a choice. If the tires weren’t up for the strains the turn and the speed put on them, then the teams could’ve still raced, but in a slower pace. A choice they opted not to take. Sure, it was probably a no-win situation for them, but they were never left without choices.

Well, the French Grand Prix is the next event in the F1 calendar. The circus is back in Europe, smack right in the home track of Michelin. I have a feeling the Michelin teams would be coming back with a bang, but it still hasn’t changed the fact that they have a lot to make up for for what happened in the US. I can’t wait for the next race.

written on 25 June 2005

lucky ferrari

2006-06-27T02:25:00.000+10:00

I stayed up late last night (well, technically, it was already early this morning) to watch the Montreal Grand Prix. Michael Schumacher had a good performance during qualifying, but I didn't get my hopes up. How well a driver performs in qualifying depends on how much fuel he's carrying, and more often than not, it's the lighter cars that make it in front of the grid.

Well, Michael and Jenson did have light cars, and as a result, both had to pit early. They were relegated back to 6th and 5th places, respectively, and I thought that was how they'd end the race. However, the Montreal GP turned out to be a race of attrition. Fortunately, the scarlet cars were ignored by the F1 gremlins.

Michael didn't go on and win the race, but got the next best thing. He finished second behind Kimi Raikkonen, who amazingly seemed gremlin-free after almost 2 years of having resident gremlins in his McLaren. Rubens Barrichello's 3rd place finish was a pleasant surprise, because I thought there's no way he'd get a respectable finish after starting from the pits.

The famous wall in the Giles Villenueve race circuit was the culprit this time. Although known to have snuffed the chances of both the young guns and the seasoned veterans, in this race, it showed that experience did give the older guys the upper hand. Patience, too, played a role: JPM was black-flagged (the first in a looong time -- I can't remember the last time a driver was given the black flag) for not waiting for the end of the safety car procession to rejoin the pack.

Is Ferrari back in winning form? I'd like to say they are, but honestly, I don't think so. The car is just not fast enough. Bridgestone is said to be launching new tires in the next race, and I hope that these would give Michelins a run for their money. I'm also praying that the FIA would wake up and realize just how stupidly hazardous their rule of not allowing cars to change tires during the race. I really miss the bustle of the pit crew during the stops; it was really a treat to watch them refuel, change the tires, clean the radiators and do wing adjustments in a fraction of a minute.

Next week I'll be staying up late once again to see the US Grand Prix. I hope Lady Luck will still be smiling on Ferrari.

written on 12 June 2005

green horn

2006-06-27T02:22:00.000+10:00

Two weeks have passed since I began my 1-year internship program. So far, so good. Although I’m not yet convinced that I have made the right choice regarding the hospital I’m currently training in, I’m not convinced that I made the wrong choice either. For one, I’m thankful that I’ve been getting sleep during the 36-hour duties, and that the consultants and residents are all very accommodating. For the first time in my medical career, I got to see what it was like to have OR techs, ECG techs, instrument nurses and med techs. Before, in the God-forsaken hospital where I had my junior internship, we had to do these things. Which was unfair, because we are training to be doctors, not nurses or aides.

Anyway, I’m rather glad that I’m in different setting now. Although I miss my friends, there’s no way I’m giving up this post for a post in their hospital. I’m done with government hospitals overflowing with patients. You could argue that interns in those hospitals do get to do more procedures and more practice, but what is sorely lacking is the finer points of health care. From what I observe, having less patients allow doctors to look at each patient more closely and not to be hasty in administering the treatment plan. Also, in hospitals with better funding and equipment, there are more diagnostic tools at your disposal, and more treatment options. You could actually use the drug of choice and not have to make do with using this or that drug because it’s the only one available. Even if I’m still just a green horn in my present hospital, many doors are already opening for me and I’m getting to see and experience new things.

Will my opinion change after several weeks? Maybe. But at least I got to see and experience first-hand how it is in a different setting. Maybe I’ll regret choosing a relatively benign hospital over a toxic one, but at least I’ll have experience to back up that regret and not just advice from other people. Maybe I’ll ultimately abandon my plans of going abroad for my residency and decide to go back to a toxic hospital, or maybe I’ll push through with my original plan. For now I’ll take it one day at a time and make the best of my current situation. Ultimately, I think that being a good doctor is still largely due to the kind of person that you are. You have to know your strengths and weaknesses, and use this knowledge to choose the environment that will bring out the best in you. I hope I’m already in that environment.

written on 13 May 2005

the last day of summer

2006-06-27T02:01:00.000+10:00

Today is the last day of my summer. I’ll be saying goodbye to having hours to waste, to afternoon naps in the summer heat and to shorts and flipflops. I don’t want it to end. I don’t care if the weather bureau says that the Philippine summer is just starting to heat up. It’s as good as over for me, because starting tomorrow, I’ll be confined once again to the fluorescent-lit halls of the hospital. The only time I’ll see the sun is on my morning commute to the hospital. I won’t be able to wake up to the sound of the wild birds chirping, not because they will have gone south but because I’ll have to get up on the hour when the birds are still sleeping.

On the other hand, I do miss the excitement of the ER. There’s nothing like the rush of adrenaline when a patient is wheeled into trauma. I just love seeing the bleeding stop with every stitch I make. Then there’s that wonderful feeling when you bid farewell to a healed patient, the joyous thanks of husbands after you tell them the news of a successful delivery by their wives and the amazement I feel with every profuse thank you after doing what is so trivial to me, but apparently something short of a miracle for the patient and his/her loved ones. There’s also the camaraderie, among colleagues and superiors. They’re the people who stay with you through the long nights, both of you keeping the other sane and awake and are always there to back you up. These are the things that make me go back.

What I’m dreading are the inevitable downsides of my profession. The deaths, for instance, no matter how many I’ve witnessed, I could not get used to. Although sometimes, you just can’t help but feel relieved when a chronically ill patient breathes his last. A great amount of guilt accompanies this relief: guilt for feeling the relief, as well as guilt for not being able to bring back to health this patient. Another downside, a rather big one for me, is the delivery of a still-born or an anencephalic, especially if these babies are in their third trimester. Then there are the people who just make it more difficult for you. These are the prima donnas of the profession, be they come in the form of a patient, a personnel or a colleague. These people just reek of bad energy and they just make a long day even longer.

Well, you really can’t have it all good or all bad. That’s just how everything is, I guess. Summers just can’t last forever.

written on 30 April 2005

constantine

2006-06-27T01:56:00.000+10:00

Oh no. For the second time this week, I've been proven wrong. First by Michael Schumacher, who finished 2nd despite starting 14th in the Imola Grand Prix. And now Constantine.

I admit, I'm not a big Constantine groupie, but I do like the guy. He's oozing with charisma and it's fun to watch him do his thing on stage. Well, maybe not last Wednesday. His rendition of the Nickelback song was just horrendous. It just wasn't right.

Still, he's been doing pretty well. So well actually that he's never been among the bottom 3. Before this week, only he and Carrie can boast of not having experienced what it was like to wait for Ryan Seacrest to quit stalling and finally blurt out who goes home. I was horrified with Constantine's number last night, but I felt that with his popularity, he'd survive this one. The experience was forgettable, but it certainly was forgivable.

Wrong. For Constantine, it took only one slip up. America cruelly refused to give the guy a second chance. Which I find so mystifying. I thought they liked Constantine. Compared to Scott, whose performances week after week makes me cringe, Constantine seemed to have been dropped like a hot potato. Was it because of his bad number? Or was there more to it? I have a horrible feeling that somehow, the voting audience got turned off by his seemingly comfortable home in New York or simply by the fact that he has Greek roots. Asia appeared to be unaffected by this, with Constantine garnering the largest chunk of Asia votes (were Asians also immune to his bad performance?). Whatever it was, America threw in the punch and knocked Constantine out.

American Idol won't be the same without this crooner. I thought he'd be one of the final 3. Well, Fate seems to have other plans for him. Good thing his band has been given a contract...this guarantees that the Nickelback song will not be the last song we'll be hearing Constantine sing (something I'd rather forget).

In the meantime, I'll continue rooting for the other long-haired guy. Now, don't anybody prove me wrong when I say that Bo Bice is the 4th American Idol.

written on 28 April 2005

a new hope

2006-06-27T01:52:00.000+10:00

I had almost given up on him, but I should have known better. True, my heart sank when I heard the news that he threw qualifying away, but this is Michael Schumacher we're talking about. 7-time Formula 1 World Champion. And behind him is the oldest team in Formula 1, with the largest fan base in all motorsport teams. So how come I ended up doubting the weltmeister?

Well, it certainly didn't help that Ferrari had probably one of the worst season starts in their history. After dominating the 2004 season, I expected them to be at their best and to pounce on their opponents early on. Surprise, surprise. It seemed to have gone the other way around. Ferrari seemed to have underestimated the other teams big time, and hence, they ended up losing big time. Who would've thought the other red team, Toyota, would be among the frontrunners after a couple of races? Certainly not me.

And so I watched as Ferrari's fortunes shifted from bad to worse. After Rubens Barrichello's 2nd place finish in Melbourne, no other podium finish followed. Instead, there were tire failures and all sorts of engine problems. The press were hard on Ferrari, almost discounting Michael from the Drivers' Championship at this early in the season.

Then came Imola. When he did well in the first qualifying, I found it really admirable that Michael doesn't seem to be cracking under all the pressure he's getting from all directions. However, he showed hints that he's still human after all when he made that mistake in the second qualifying. That sank my spirits, and I was beginning to look forward to the next race.

Apparently, Michael had other plans. He hadn't given up, not even after having to start 3 quarters away from the pole. Patiently, he made his way up, and I saw what I thought only happened in the movies. The fourteenth placer became the fourth placer. Oh wow, I thought. Not bad. Not bad at all.

Michael, however, didn't stop at that. He quickly grabbed third place, and next set his sights on Jenson Button's BAR Honda, a good 20 seconds away. In F1, that would've equated to a mountain of an obstacle. And that mountain Michael gamely climbed and overcame. It was so surreal watching him fly around the track, shaving 2 seconds off Button's lead after each lap. I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it.

Although he didn't quite pull off the miracle of winning the race, Michael ignited the dying embers of hope in every tifosi's heart. His car was obviously faster than the winning car, and Alonso and Renault were just fortunate that Imola is a circuit with almost no overtaking places. This spells H-O-P-E for the team of the prancing horse. There's no doubt about it, the last grand prix's message is unmistakable. Ferrari are back.

written on 27 April 2005

new chapter

2006-06-27T01:49:00.000+10:00

Out with the old, on with the new.

After getting my diploma yesterday, I have decided that another chapter of my life has officially ended. Yesterday's graduation was my fifth one, my longest one (lasting for 6 hours!) and the one I worked hardest for.

Yup, I worked harder for this degree more than any other thing in my entire life. So it's probably just fitting that this is my highest degree yet. I doubt if this will be the last degree I'll earn, but I know that I probably won't work this hard again for a degree, any degree.

24 hours hadn't even passed since I have been officially given the degree of doctor of medicine. However, more than enough time has been spent thinking if I really deserve this (now I know in my heart that I do), and much more time contemplating if I am ready and able to handle the power and responsibility that comes with the letters MD. Maybe I'll spend the rest of my life learning how to come to terms with this. It is now so tempting to just throw it all away and start anew in some other field.

But I just can't do that, not if I want to be honest to myself. Somehow, through all those sleepless nights and eleventh hours, it has become clear to me that this is what I was destined to be. And though it may take several more years and more tears, sweat and blood, I know I'll never be content in doing anything else other than to harness this power that I had been chasing all my life and only now has come to possess.

But then again, I'd always wanted to be a race car driver.

written on 23 April 2005